Greatest of All Fears

Disclaimer: I’m preaching to myself today :)

Fear.  That thing, with ninja-like skills, that creeps up your legs into your heart and solidifies like concrete, keeping you from moving forward. Ugh. Fear.

Back in January, God completely healed me, and it doing so, broke me free of all my fears. But I’m not going to lie, there has been one fear that found a way to creep on me recently. It had already creeped into my heart before I could see it coming. Now that I see it, I recognize it is the greatest fear of all. Bigger than all the others I dealt with.  What is it?

The fear of greatness.  

Indulge me for a second.  Ever since Jesus came crashing into my life in January, my deepest desire is that He would be seen in me. I want people to hear Him when they talk to me. I want people to see Him in my actions and behaviors. I don’t want to be seen, only Him. I need to be out of the way.  So the process of dying to self began.

As a result, God has lead me to do things that are so out of my comfort zone.  And He’s not done. He is moving me towards more.  Honestly, it’s been scaring me.  It’s made me really ask myself,”What the heck is the matter with me?” I don’t fear attacks by the enemy. I have so much faith and trust in God. What is it?!

Last night it hit me. I have a fear of becoming great. I confessed this to one of my friends. Her response pierced my heart. She said, “Greatness is in you. God is in you. Embrace it.” The truth is that I have not embraced it. The truth is I have embraced Christ. The truth is until last night, I didn’t really realize that in embracing Christ, I embraced greatness.

The fear of greatness comes with many mini-fears. You fear man’s opinion because you don’t want to come off as arrogant or overly confident.  So you walk in false humility. You fear failure.  What if I go after those dreams God placed in my heart and fail? Expectations. How can you live up to greatness on a daily basis? What if you mess up with the gifts, power, and authority that comes with God’s greatness in you? What if I fall short? What if I make a fool of myself? Or my favorite, I just don’t want to draw people's attention.

The revelation I got today is when you truly die to self, you do not need to concern yourself with all those questions.  The reason?  Jesus is doing all the work.  Jesus is in me running the show.  His resurrection power flows through me (that in itself blows me away). He can live up to God’s expectations. He doesn’t fail. He knows how to use His authority and power the correct way. He doesn’t care what everyone around Him thinks of Him because He knows what the Father thinks of Him.  Lastly, everyone will not be looking at you. They will be looking at Him. So let your light shine before man! 

It seems like a fear that seems so small in relationship to others you may be thinking about. But in reality, this is the most dangerous. The fear of greatness seizes you and keeps you from being who you are created to be. This fear robs you of your destiny! It robs you of taking your kingdom place. 

This greatness is in every child of God. It’s time that we embrace who we are in Christ, fully. Because He resides in us, we are great! Through Him we have authority. Through Him, we cannot fail. Through Him, we can take on the impossible. Through Him, we can change the world. Embrace it.  

*I’ll leave you with one of my most favorite quotes that God brought to mind today! *

Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Heaven

I was broken. Blemished. A wreck. Lost.
Despite it, you saw me and said, "I must have her."
You aggressively pursued me.
You beckoned my heart heavily with love.
I faced you and looked into your eyes.
Acceptance. Purity. Holiness.
I ran to your embrace and there I've stayed.
So much joy. Peace. Security.

Yet, I've never been ready.
"Not until I meet him."
"Not until I become a mom."
"Not until I've completed what I've desired here on earth."
But something changed.
Sitting on the log staring at the moon, something changed.

Never have I felt you so close.
Never has your presence seemed so tangibly in reach.
Though the spiritual veil has been broken, the physical one remains.
I thought I was feeling sadness after a weekend of joy, but now I know.
What I feel is a longing for you.
I long to feel the warmth of your actual embrace.
I long to see that smile face to face.
I long for eternity with you.
Never before have I longed for heaven until now.

Internal Wholeness Part2: Just One Touch

**This blog is from a series on wholeness. If you have not read Part 1, please read that and return here afterwards! Click Here**

Sorry ladies for keeping you waiting. I had the second part written, but God told me to go another direction. So I had to be obedient. So here we go...

Internal Wholeness Part 2: Just One Touch

If you recall from part 1, I had been praying for healing. I had come out of a divorce that just about killed me emotionally. At least that is what it felt like. My emotions were a wreck. My weekends were spent sleeping. I had spent years fighting a battle that I could not win. I would be driving to work and a wave of emotions would hit me like a tsunami. I'd reach work with eyes swollen. Some days I couldn't even walk into my job. I'd call my co-workers in my grade level, and they would take my kids for me. I'd drive back home and get in bed. I was broken. Emotionally I was not stable. One second I'd make a decision one way, and the next the pendulum would switch and my thoughts were going the other way. One day, I'd say I needed him. The next day, I'd say I had to have him in my life.  You get the picture.

Now you may have never gone through my specific situation, but I'm sure if you have lived life long enough, something traumatic in your life has occurred that has left you emotionally broken. For women, emotional brokenness is as tough as it can get because of how we were created.

I was definitely emotionally broken. But it was in that brokenness that I got what I needed. You see, I prayed for healing. God heard my cry. His answer was to give Himself to me. Ok that just gave me chills. I prayed for healing, but He gave Himself to me as the answer. I can't emphasize enough that healing comes through Jesus. You have to seek that first!

Now once you have that, the rest will follow. My healing happened all in one night. I was watching this sermon that one of my pastor's recommended to me. I'll share that in a later post.  I was laying in bed one night, and I tossed and turned. My jaw was killing me.  I had TMJ which is excruciating pain that you get in your jaw sockets from clenching or grinding your teeth due to extreme tension. I could not sleep no matter how hard I tried. My mind was scattered and I was in physical pain.  I heard God say to get up and watch that video on YouTube.

I started watching it, and the video addressed EVERY single traumatic experience I had gone through in my life. As I watched it,I started to tell God that that was me. I started to confess in my mind all the things I was going through and feeling. Suddenly, the guilt and shame started to fade away. The hurts began to go away. Something in the spirit lifted off of me. I was light, not heavy. Not only did spiritually I get touched, but I felt an icy coldness go into my jaw and removed every bit of tension in my jaw. It was the most amazing thing I've experienced up until that point in my life.

In the next few days, God directed me towards scripture. It was the story in the gospels about the woman with the issue of blood (Mark 5). That woman was me. For years I was hemorrhaging. I was bleeding out. My wounds were so big and were infected. In desperation I reached out for the hem of His garment. In the story, Jesus turned around and told the woman,"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

I don't presume to know how God will bring your healing. My journey for healing began with a counselor, but Jesus ultimately did the brunt of the work himself. But I believe if you're desperate and you have faith to be healed at once, I believe God will honor it. Here are a few things that you do as you are praying for healing.

1) Sit down and tell God exactly the details of the traumatic experience. Give him every single last detail. Include every single detail of that day and that experience that you can recall. This seems like nothing, but trust me it's big. If you experienced the death of a loved one that emotionally broke you, recall that day and tell God it all. If you were abused, recall an experience and retell it to God. If you were rejected, tell God about every detail. I can't stress this enough. Do not hold back. God is seeking intimacy with you. That includes intimacy through the worst times in your life. After you're done telling Him every detail, shut up and listen. Sorry to be so up front, but God has to show you how he was there in that situation. That is where your healing comes from. 

2) Forgive God. This seems absurd, but most of our hurts come from the fact that we believe God was not present. These thoughts come out like this... "God you could have saved him? Why didn't you?"  .... "God, why did you allow him to touch me?".... "God, you could have healed my child? Why didn't you?" .... "God, why did I get this illness?" The bottom line is that you do not understand why God does what He does. His ways are not our ways. Period. Holding on to unforgiveness, especially against God will block you from EVERYTHING that God wants to give you. It cuts off your air supply. If you need to first get all your feelings out towards Him. Tell Him.  He can handle it. Relationship requires honesty.

I remember one night I cried my eyes out. I started yelling at God, "Why won't you answer me? Why won't you change my situation?! Don't you even care?!?!? ANSWER ME!!" God didn't punish me for it. But He did make Himself known afterwards. Let it all out and then forgive Him. "God, even though I was upset at you, I trust you. I trust you did things according to what you see. I know that you will bring good out of my despair. I'm sorry for holding unforgiveness towards you."

3) Forgive the person who hurt you- Ok this part can truly only come from God. But if God has begun the work of healing in you, you can do this. I NEVER thought I could forgive my ex. Really I didn't. But now I do pray for him. It's not a romantic, emotion-tied prayer.  I pray for his salvation because ultimately he is a lost soul.  Even if it doesn't feel right at first, start forgiving and praying. My prayers began with, "God, he didn't know what he did fully. He didn't really because he doesn't know you. So you do your work in him."

So if we go back to the initial point of this post, is what is an indicator that you are whole? You know you're whole when you can say that all your wounds have been removed, and you can stand with your emotions whole and deeply rooted in Christ. You can't stand with your emotions swaying back and forth across the pendulum. When you get hurt by others now, do you get wrapped into a whirlwind of emotions? Then you are a tree that is being uprooted by the wind. You are so susceptible to the enemy's attack when you are this kind of tree.

If you cannot say this, you must pray for it. Emotional brokenness is a cancer. It will spread and affect every area of your life. If you are single and want to get married, but still hate your ex, you WILL ruin your next relationship. If you were abused, you will not be able to experience full intimacy in any relationship (including with God).  If you are harboring unforgiveness towards God, you will never been able to experience all He has for you. So allow me to leave you with a prayer...

My love, I pray over my sisters right now. I sense that some of them are desperate right now to be emotionally whole. I pray that you give them courage to come before you boldly; That they would NOT hold back, but lay it all before you. As they tell you every detail about their traumatic experiences, please comfort them and wipe every tear from their eye. Show them that you were there with them every second. You cried with them, and felt all the heartache yourself. Help them to look into your face and see the compassion in your eyes. As Romans 8:28 says, help them to see that all things work for the good of those that love them. And lastly Father, as they reach out in desperation to touch you, I pray they hear your voice say, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

Internal Wholeness Part1: Romance

This series came out of a conversation I had recently.  I was at a park with some friends from church a few Sundays ago. There I had the opportunity to get to know one particular girl named Mimi.  When she found out that I had been married before, she begin asking me a whole lot of questions. I love that about her. She has a hunger about the things of God that excites me (little did I know that God was preparing her to be my soulmate...haha. Our story is pretty great, but that's for another time). I began sharing with her a bit of my story and the really hard lessons I've learned from my failed marriage and my brokenness. Then she stunned me with one question that my mind has been on the last few weeks. The question: "What are the indicators that I am whole?"

God has been BURNING in my heart a desire that His daughters be made whole. WE need to walk in wholeness as He intended from our creation. I know what God has done in me to make me whole internally, but it has been very hard for me to articulate it. I know that God specifically told me that He didn't heal me for me to just stay quiet. So my prayer to God has been, since Mimi's question, is God help me to articulate what you have shown me and done in me. So I am going to attempt to do this. 

This series will be a long one. But if you are desiring this for yourself, I believe you'll stick around. I've divided it into two sections; Internal Wholeness and External Wholeness. Each section will be broken down in parts. You'll have to wait to get each part :) But I will try to be quick to write them, so that you don't have to wait very long! So without further adieu....

Internal Wholeness Part 1: Romance
"God, where do I begin?" I asked when praying how to put into words what He's done. I heard that familiar voice say, "A-hem!!!"  (that coughing sound). Duh! Wholeness will always begin with Jesus. Always. I'm not talking about the day you took the sinner's prayer either. I'm talking about wholeness beginning the day that you begin an intensely scandalous, romantic love affair with Jesus.
Ladies, since little we have grown up waiting for that one day where our knight in shining armor will appear in a blaze of glory, to sweep us off our feet, and give us the happily ever after that we have watched in every romantic comedy we have repeatedly watched (ok the teacher in me is ashamed of that really long sentence...lol) We watched, and even if you won't admit it, we desire what we see. We were created for covenant. So those desires are going to be there. While those movies are fantasy, I want you to make it a reality. Not with an earthly man, but with Jesus. I want you to fall so deeply in love, let Him proprose to you, and become His bride.

I was very hesitant to share this experience with you. It is a VERY special moment for me. Telling it brings tears to my eyes. But ladies we all know when someone announces they're engaged, the first two things asked are..."Can I see the ring?" and "How did he ask?" So going along with the spirit of sisterhood, I will share how He proposed to me.

The day was January 21st... Our anniversary :) I had the day off of work. I started the year taking up the challenge my pastor gave about getting up early before work, and spending time in prayer, worship, and meditating on the Word. I really was enjoying that time to the point that it was disappointing when I had to start getting ready for work. So here I had this day off. I could've used it to sleep in really late, but instead I slept in until 7:30 and got up.

I began my time as usual praying for healing that I desperately needed. Then as usual, the listening part came. "God, I'm listening. What do you want to say to me?"... I wasn't ready for what came next.  I got a vision. Mind you this vision was about 2 minutes long, but I'm going to describe it in detail for you.

I saw a right arm and hand outstretched to me, and I heard that familiar voice...

"I have loved you with an everlasting love. Will you?"

"Will I what God?" I asked

"I will never leave you, nor forsake you. Will you?"

"Will I what God?!?!"

In that moment it hit me in my spirit like a ton of bricks. He was proposing to me. Jesus was proposing!!!

"Yes! Yes! I will! I will!" I replied

Immediately me after saying yes, I was taken up a staircase wearing a beautiful wedding gown and my curls looked FANTASTIC (LOL). I can see it now so clearly. Everything was the brightest white I have ever seen. My hand was in His.  I was zoomed in to see my face. I have never seen so much joy on my face. My dimples were the biggest they have every been :) When we got to the top, there was a celebration. I couldn't see anyone; It was just me and His outstretched arm. He was twirling me, and I was dancing. Jubilant. That is the only word I could use to describe it. 

"From this day forward, you will be my bride, and I will be your husband" he told me. **swoon**

The celebration ended, and He put His hand on my stomach. He asked me if I remembered this prophetic dream I had a few months prior (about a miscarriage)...

"Yes, of course."

"The reason your dream died was because it was fathered by man. This new dream I'm about to impregnate you with will be birthed because I am fathering it. This year will be a year of expectancy and preparation. Like a new mom awaiting a child, you will be full of joy awaiting the birth of this dream and I will prepare you."

The vision ended and playing on Pandora was the song "I Will Carry Your Name."  I cried my eyes out. I was changed. Forever changed in that moment. My time with Him each morning changed. My time with Him went from doing it out of desperation to true delight.

In an instant, I had what the romance movies convince you you need in an earthly man. I had a man who desired to spend time with me, and boy does He have loads of uninterrupted time for me. I had a man who would have pillow talk with me late at night to my heart's desire. I had a man in my life who found me so incredibly beautiful inside and out. I had a man who watched me sleep. I had a man who sang to my heart. I had a man who whispered in my ear words of love and adoration. I now had a man who holds my hand and leads me on the wildest adventures. He cuddles me with his comfort. He gives me the best advice. He is the lover of my soul. He is the priest of my home and I feel safe and secure in Him.

This kind of relationship with Jesus is the first indicator of wholeness. The first indicator is your answer to the question "Do you have a romantic love affair with Jesus?"

Single Ladies:  If your answer is No, you MUST pray for this experience. Pray that God proposes to you and "woo" you in a way that you desire. For me, I am a hopeless romantic. If only an earthly man could sing to me, write me love notes, speak words of ....ok you get it. God knew that about me and that is what He gave me. Before you THINK you're ready for marriage, you need to be whole. That means you have to place all the desires that you think you need in an earthly man, and ask God to be that person for you FOR REALS! This is your first step to wholeness. God will not send a Godly man unto you are ready. This is the first step. Ask God for it. Keep asking until He does it....and He will. And you WILL be swept off your feet.

Married Ladies: Your husband is not God and will NEVER be God. Though He may make you speak in tongues at night, He can NEVER save you from the filth that is sin. You may be in a marriage now with a whole lot of difficulty because you are expecting your husband to take on the role that only God can fill. If you have never experienced the proposal of God in your life (not the sinner's prayer). Ask for it. Enter in that love affair with Jesus. Then whatever your husband gives you is just a cherry on top. Now that is the marriage I desire.

So that is step one. If you have stuck with me this long, you have a hunger. And it is no coincidence. God has already been working on making you truly whole. So please allow me end this by praying for you...

Jesus,  I pray that you will give my sisters the revelation of them being your bride and you being their groom. I pray that you rock their worlds. For my single sisters, give them a romance that will quench the NEED for an earthly husband until you prepare the Godly man you have for them.  I declare onenness over your daughters this day. Like a true marriage, bring them into oneness with you.  Overwhelm them with your love. Take them on the adventures of their lifetimes being hand in hand with you. I pray in urgency that this will not be a prayer delayed, but a prayer immediately answered to those hearts that you have prepared for this very moment.  Amen.

Part 2:  Just One Touch

Simple Delight

 

I love being an aunty. It's the closest thing to motherhood for me. Although I did not carry them in my womb, they are my blood. There is a connection that comes through the similar DNA we both have running through our bodies. Through that DNA, there are personality traits that are common. There are visible similarities such as curly hair and dimples. I have seen them from inside their mommy's tummy all the way to prom and graduation, and beyond. 

This morning I asked God to show much a new view of the depth of His love for me. He brought me to Timmy, Erika, Sarah, Maya, Mikey, and Lexi; my nephews and nieces. He took me through memories of them that I've had. 

I remember Timmy when he was no more than 5 or 6. He had headphones on and was singing from the top of his lungs a song from the Lion King. He didn't know we were listening. He just sang his little heart out. We watched on with huge smiles. It brought us joy watching him in that moment. 

Erika had the greatest curly hair when she was little. She'd wake up from a nap with a huge smile. She'd look at us upon, waking with those huge dimples and big curls stuck on her face. Smiles would cross our faces seeing that look on her face. 

Sarah from little would hang out with me. I remember the first time she spent the night with me. I was in my early 20's. She finally fell asleep with her bottle. In the dark, I laid next to her just watching her sleep, rubbing her cheek tenderly. I was in love. 

Maya and Mikey have lived most of their life away from me. Though distance separates us, I love seeing them. Every time I see Maya, she gets more and more beautiful. Those greens eyes of hers are stunning. Mikey...I'm amazed at how much he's grown and how much he changes. 

Lexi recently had a trip to Disneyland where she was finally aware of everything around her. I didn't get to go on this visit, but I couldn't wait to talk to her about it. I remember sitting her on my lap facing me. I asked her who she saw at Disneyland. She went down the line naming characters. "Princess....Bye Bye!" She said while waving her hand. Her face was beaming as she told me, and it tickled me to say the least.

As I went through these memories, God told me how much He delights in us. Just seeing us go through life, seeing our smiles, hearing our songs, seeing us develop, watching us sleep, hearing our stories... He delights in all of those things. He is tickled by us. A smile comes across His face when He thinks of us, his blood. 

We often think that we have to perform to get His attention. We think we have to do these works to win His approval. We have to remember that first and foremost, we were created to be the object of His affection. And that we are... the object of the creator's affection. He loves you. He delights in you. He has loved you with an everlasting love.

Rest today. Stop striving to earn His love. He delights in you. He loves you. Nothing you do could ever change that.

The Power Washer

This morning, I was laying on the floor during my morning prayer and devotional time when a loud noise started up outside. The apartment manager was outside with a power washer cleaning down the building. The noise was quite loud as the water crashed into windows, doors, and walls. It got louder as they got closer to my apartment.

Upon hearing the engine of the washer start up, my younger cat Charlie (Chaplin) ran under the couch with his tail between his legs. He remained crouched down low, with eyes open wide. He was visibly upset, and I started to feel sorry for the little guy. I called his name. He looked over at me, but the power washer immediately took over his focus. "Charlie! C'mon! It's okay!" I said again, and he finally ran to me. I stroked his little head, and he began to purr.

The power washer then made it to my apartment windows and door. Charlie in that moment decided that being with me was not safe enough for him and back under the couch he went. A few minutes later the washer stopped completely. His guard went down, and he came out from his hiding place. I picked up him and the purring commenced. He closed his eyes and was totally relaxed...until... yup the power washer went back on, and he scurried on again.

I laughed and went back to my devotional, and then God spoke...

"My children are often like Charlie. Life has many noises. Many are loud! But through them, I will wash you clean. Yet you scurry away terrified. I call to you, but the noises have your focus. For a second you come to me, only to feel exposed and not protected. You then scurry back where fear makes you feel more safe."

It made sense. Charlie had no clue what a power washer was. He interpreted it as one thing. I could see if for what it was; a device to cleanse. It's the same way with God. He knows what the "noise" really is. We see it as this loud, scary thing. He sees the bigger picture, but fear paralyzes us. 

I know it may not seem like a deep message, but I think it was more of a reminder. God wants us to stop being a scary cat! Next time you hear that big noise in life, it's ok. It's just God's power washer doing His thing! :) 

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion  blot out my transgressions.Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin." Psalm 51:1-2

Destined to Be A Princess

I am a princess. The name Stephanie means "Crowned One" and I love the color purple. I was destined for royalty. And if that is not enough proof, ask anyone that has known me since I was little. I am a daddy's girl. I am daddy's princess. 

Growing up, I was more than blessed to have the dad that I have.  When I was a little girl, I'd jump in bed with my mom and dad. My dad would take me and wrap his arms and legs around me while I talked with my mom. I remember so clear the warmth and security I felt in that moment. You would find me later on the couch with my dad. He would be watching t.v., and I would lay my head down on his pansa (stomach) and listen to his heart beat. When I got sick in the middle of the night, I'd get out of bed, tip-toe into my parent's room. I'd go to my dad's side of the bed and shake him awake. "Dad, I have a tummy ache. Can you pray for me?" I remember crying as he laid hands on me and prayed. If you ask my siblings and other family members, THEY would say that I could do no wrong in my dad's eyes. He balanced that love with discipline though. I knew not to cross him. He would look at me with disapproving eyes, and I'd be in tears immediately because I hated disappointing him. 

As an adult, his role didn't change. He encouraged me in my pursuit to be an educator. There have been many times that financial crisis has struck, and I've had to borrow money from him with full intention of paying it back. My dad almost never let me pay it back. When my marriage fell apart, my dad was the first person to tell me how beautiful, intelligent, how pure my heart was, and how much I had to offer. 

Although my dad has not always been perfect in my eyes, he laid a foundation for me that I am so thankful for. You see, parents play such a role in getting their children ready to know the Heavenly Father personally. If you had an abusive dad and God tries to discipline you, you flinch. If you had a dad that did not show love and then you hear that the Heavenly Father loves you, it's hard believe it. 

When I decided a couple of years ago to really know God personally, it was relatively easy. My dad did such a great job already to show me what God is truly about. Our Heavenly Father loves us so incredibly much. He desires to wrap His arms around you and let His love penetrate your being. He desires for you to come to Him and confess your sins, and then in His eyes, you did no wrong. He wants to freely give to you so that you may not live in want. When you're in pain, He wants you at any hour to come to Him. He wants to spend time with you so that you may hear His heart beat. Who wouldn't want that? Well maybe someone that doesn't want the other part. He will discipline you to make you better. You will feel convicted when you do something that you know He disapproves of. I'd gladly take that knowing that the creator of the universe thinks I'm His princess.

God's princess. We are his heirs. We get the inheritance He leaves. We are royalty. We are the apple of His eye. It makes me smile to think about it.

If you had a father that was not like mine, and you struggle to see God as I portrayed, I invite you to go to him. Tell Him about how your dad was. Tell Him the stories. Tell Him your hurts and pains. I promise you that He will mend them so that you can have a healthy view of who He is so you can receive all He desires to pour out to you. 

If you know our Heavenly Father, have you forgotten that you are His princess? When was the last time you listened to His heart beat and found peace? Are you going to Him with your tears? Are you allowing Him to encourage you and build you up? Do you feel secure in Him? Are you claiming your inheritance and promises that He has given you?

I encourage you, sweet ladies, to look in the mirror and see that you were destined, before you were even born, to be God's princess.  

  
 

My Momma

I'm so blessed to have a mom as wonderful as mine. 

As a little girl, I have so many fabulous memories of my mom. Scooting the chair to help her cook. Slipping on her sandals and walking around the house trying to be her. Bedtime stories snuggled up to her. Learning to wash my hair as she sang a song. Learning the birds and the bees with her pointing things out from an encyclopedia (haha!). Getting tickled to tears. Doing puzzles together. Picking flowers. Playing Memory. Making dresses for my Barbies. Combing out the knots in my naps...lol.

As I got older in my teens years, I interacted more with friends, but I watched her closely. I saw her minister to hurting ladies. I saw her exhausted after getting off work, yet still making a meal. I saw her sacrifice buying herself things to get us what we needed. Throughout it all, I never heard her complain.

As life moved on... I stood in awe at her strength as life around her fell apart. I saw her lean on her Lord for comfort, yet still maintain joy. She carried herself with dignity. Not a negative word from her lips. Her prayers remained fervent for her kids.

As I became a woman, I became aware of her wisdom and unconditional love. She pushed me towards my dreams. She encouraged me to stride and be all that I wanted to be. As I traveled away from God, she never condemned. Only showed me love. Her words always speak truth. They always turn her children to God. She took her kids in when injured, and caressed our hurts away. Her spiritual radar is impeccable. Her covering keeps the enemy away.

And if those things aren't enough, the cherry on top is she knows how to have a good time. Whether doing the dougie with her grandkids, or yelling for the Raiders, she is fun to be around. 

Not everyone gets the opportunity to have a mom like mine. She is who I aspire to be. I'm so grateful for all she has done for me, and for standing by my side. She is my rock. She is my hero. I am fortunate to call her mine.

Happy Birthday, Mom! Today, and everyday, your kids rise up and call you blessed. 

Queen of What Ifs

I....Have been therapized.  This is the term my co-worker and I have used with each other to describe the fact that we regularly saw therapists. From April 2012 through November 2012, I went to therapy once a week for an hour. I'm not ashamed of it. In fact, I think most of us need a few sessions (and some need more, way more).  I was fortunate that my insurance plan gave me unlimited sessions with a little co-pay. It's because of that that I met Monica, my therapist.

Monica is a secular therapist. My insurance wouldn't cover a Christian one. But I believe God still used her to get through to me. She was no nonsense. She cut straight to the point. She dropped a few f-bombs. But overall, she spoke truth. And truth is what I needed.

Truth is... I AM...wait...was the Queen of What Ifs! My mind used to dwell on the what ifs of life. I was tangled in the hypothetical world, creating and replaying situations that I thought could exist. I dreamed up conversations that may or could come true. I would dwell on conversations that didn't exist in the past and what they would have looked like if they did take place. I know this may sound confusing, so let me give you an example of one of my what if situations that I told Monica.

Right before I left my husband in May, we had argued fiercely. I had pressed him about what he wanted. After skirting around the issue, he finally said that he felt that he wanted freedom. Two days later, I left with enough clothes for a week. I returned when I ran out of clothing. I went back for a pick up, and he approached me. Here is how the conversation played out:

    "Steph, can we talk?" he asked.
    "Talk about what?" I responded.
    "About how we are feeling about our situation?"
    "There is nothing left to say" I said.

The conversation physically ended there, and I walked out the door.  I say it physically ended because it did end between he and I in person. However, the conversation did not end in my mind. The old Steph began to dwell on one statement: "Can we talk about how we are feeling about the situation?" The Queen of What If began doing what she did best. I dwelled on that heavily. My mind spun and was overwhelmed with questions.  What did he want to tell me? Did he want to tell me to stay? Did he want to reconcile? Was he wanting to say that he missed me as much as I missed him? What if I stayed and talked? Would things be different? What if I missed my shot? What if that conversation was the beginning of God beginning the healing process? These questions made me so anxious and filled me with worry that I did the wrong thing.  I couldn't sleep each night as these questions played out over and over and over and over and over again. Worry built up in me. It consumed me. This went on for one week.

The following Monday I couldn't wait  to get to Monica's office and release what I was feeling. I told her the above situation. She verbally slapped me. HA! She did. It hurt. I'm sure you're wondering what her response was. She asked me questions in return. (I hate it when you want an answer and are just given more questions). "Did he say anything to make you believe he was sorry?" No. "Did he say he wanted you back?" No.  "Did he say he didn't want you to leave?" No.  She then said something that I still use to this day. "If you want to know what he meant that bad.... ask him. If not, LET. IT.  GO."

Monica didn't badger me any further.  She began talking to me about our brain and how it works. She then told me something that dramatically changed my life. You gotta hear this! Here is what she said:

Your brain doesn't know the difference between real and hypothetical.

She explained further. "When you have these what ifs swarming, fictional conversations playing out, and they cause you to feel pain or anxiety, your body doesn't know that they did not occur in real life, and it perceives the anxiety and pain as real danger. Your brain then sends out flight or fight biochemicals into your body. " She then went into what happens when those biochemicals enter your body. I found info on this from the Franklin Institute.  They have tons of info, but I'm going to try my best to condense it! Here we go:

"The primary area of the brain that deals with stress is its limbic system. Because of its enormous influence on emotions and memory, the limbic system is often referred to as the emotional brain. Whenever you PERCEIVE a threat, imminent or IMAGINED, your limbic systems immediately responses via your autonomic nervous system."

Ok...get this... your limbic system steps in when it perceives a threat either IMMINENT or IMAGINED!!! That blows me away even now. Now read about what happens next! :)

"Your sympathetic nervous system does an excellent job of rapidly preparing you to deal with what is perceived as a threat. Its hormones initiate several metabolic processes that best allow you to cope with sudden danger. These hormones shut down functions unnecessary during the emergency. Growth, reproduction, and the immune system goes on hold. Blood flow to the skin is reduced. That's why chronic stress leads to sexual dysfunction, increases your getting sick, and often manifests as skin ailments."

WOW. Your immune system is put on hold which means you cannot battle sickness.  I'm not even going into the other stuff! But wait...there is more! :)

"Your adrenal glands release adrenaline and other hormones that increase breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure. You will then have plenty of energy to flight or fight because adrenaline causes a rapid release of glucose and fatty acids into your bloodstream."

Blood pressure rises. Tightness in the chest happens. Panic attacks. Are you getting this? Are you really? Now here is the kicker...

"After a perceived danger has passed, your body then tries to return to normal. But this may not be easy. The trouble is that some stress hormones don't know when to quit pulling. They remain active in the brain for too long- injuring and even killing cells in the hippocampus, the area of your brain needed for memory and learning. If either one of the stimulating or tranquilizing chemical forces dominates the other without relief, then you will experience and on-going state of internal imbalance."

An on-going state of internal imbalance. If you read my last blog, you know that that was EXACTLY what I was going through. I wavered between hope and hopelessness.   After hearing this, I left Monica's office in awe for several different reasons:

1) I truly didn't realize what my what ifs had been doing to me.
2) I was in awe of how God created our brains.
3) The scientific evidence backed up what God says to us.

I know this blog is long already, so please give me a few more minutes to elaborate. PLEASE!! 

As I read the gospels, Jesus clearly addresses worry over and over again. 

"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Matthew 6:27

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow ill worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

The list goes on and on. Look! Jesus knows how our brain works. After all, He did create them. He does not want us to worry and dwell on our troubles. Doing this will literally kill us over time. It will not add an hour. In fact, it will take hours away! But knowing that our humanity would sneak in, He created a back up system in our brains to handle (for a short time) the overwhelming stress. But He does not want us living in that state. To live in it,  will cause brain damage...literally.

That is why we are taught in the Word to take our thoughts captive and be transformed by the renewing of our mind. To not do that, can leave us in an "on-going state of internal imbalance." We have to either process the situation immediately by clarifying the issue; in my case, asking my husband what he meant. Or by letting go...And letting go can also mean...here comes the "F" word...forgiving. We are not physically designed to hold worry and unforgiveness for a prolonged period of time.

And here is the final kicker... If we stay in that imbalanced state, it will interfere with learning and memory. Here is what I learned. When I'm in that imbalanced state, I cannot hear from God. I cannot learn from God. I cannot remember the moments where God saw me through. I am left on my own. Ok... if you're really not getting this, then I'll pray for you.  When I began to really see the big picture, I began to let go. Truly let go. This is what I truly believe started me in the path to healing.

It is then that I began to hear God's voice again. It was then that I could feel His presence. My SELF-INDUCED stress, blocked me from Him coming to my aid in the situation. When I finally got this, God shifted me. I no longer was the Queen of What Ifs. I became an heir of peace. 

So I leave you with this. Evaluate your thought life. Are you having conversations in your mind that your brain is perceiving as trouble? Can your SELF-INDUCED worry be resolved quickly by taking one quick step, like in my case,  by being bold enough to just ask a simple question? Or... do you simply need to let go?

Take Heart

8/31/09

Today I feel totally psychotic.

One minute I feel hopeful, the next hopeless.

I feel inadequate.

I question why I am not good enough.

I feel weak and powerless.

I feel betrayed.

I don’t trust my thoughts and emotions.

I am afraid of being alone.

I feel lost with a big “?” for tomorrow.

I almost gave up.

9/1/09

How the hell did I get myself here?

I woke up at 7:30am with my stomach in knots, feeling the need to throw up.

I feel disillusioned this morning.

I doubt God today.

I am feeling completely worthless today.

I feel abandoned.

I feel tortured.

9/3/09

I feel like a beaten girl left on the side of the road.

I have looked in the mirror and not like what I saw.

I feel weak.

I feel unappreciated.

I feel neglected.

I feel anger.

I have felt hopeless.

I have been overwhelmed by what may be impossible.

A few weekends ago, I found my old journal. It contained entries dated 8/31/09 through 9/7/09.  These pages were filled with phrases of what I was feeling at that time in my life.

 

This was a dark time. I didn’t realize how dark until I found this journal. Here’s the context. I just started going back to church regularly since my senior year of high school. God had been pulling at me strongly for a whole year. I finally gave in to God, and went to church. It was an amazing day! Every worship song, every scripture, and the entire sermon was written just for me. That Sunday, I rededicated my life to God. Why was it then so dark? A week later, I separated from my husband. This was the beginning of a seven month separation.

I won’t go into details about my marriage because it has passed and there is forgiveness. I will say that this season began with me packing my bag with clothes, and calling my sister. That began the journey of telling my parents and siblings.

The next few months were extremely difficult even with their support. There are times in your life, that despite having all the support in the world, you feel alone in the struggle. Your family and friends are not with you when the lights go out, and your mind starts to be inundated by thoughts. In those moments, you feel the most alone.

I remember one night I slept at my dad’s apartment, so that I didn’t have a long commute to work in the morning. The time was about midnight, and I couldn’t sleep. My mind scrambled to figure things out. My emotions were all over the place. In an instant I was overwhelmed. I didn’t want to wake my dad so I swallowed my cries. During nights like this, Psalms 61:1-3 was what I would repeat out loud. It got me through those nights.

Hear my cry, O God;

Listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,

I call as my heart grows faint;

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For you have been my refuge,

A strong tower against the foe.

I remember one night clearly at a Friday night all night prayer, I laid and cried before God. “God I’m so tired of feeling this way. I don’t want THIS anymore!” It was as clear as day that I heard God give me directions. “Write down on a piece of paper all the thoughts you want gone.” I did what he said. I wrote down a long list of all the thoughts about myself and all my fears. I let it all out. When I was done, I prayed again. This time God replied with, “Now tear it up. It is done.” I bawled my eyes out that night. I believed.

He did answer my prayer, but it was four years later. I went back to my husband without us dealing with any of our issues. We got back into the same predicament, only worse. In May 2012, I stayed up one night and made the decision to leave knowing I was clear before God.

At this point in my life, I was near death. When I say death, I mean internally. I WAS broken. I WAS exhausted. I had no more fight left. Emotionally I was a complete mess. I won’t even go into details about how it affected me physically. I was desperate for change. DESPERATE! I stumbled back to my mom extremely wounded. My self-esteem was at its lowest. I WAS lost. I slept my weekends away. Some days I went to work, only to sit in my car and sob. I’d call my co-workers and tell them I just couldn’t walk in. They would graciously take my students, and I’d drive right back to my moms. Other days I would leave at lunch because a wave of emotions would hit me. One night I couldn’t sleep. I crawled into my mom’s bed at 2am and asked her to pray for me. “I need you to pray because I don’t have any peace!” My mom prayed and talked to me. I slept with her that night. Thank you Jesus for Godly mothers.

This went on until November 2012. I filed for divorce in October (boy was that a day!) I emailed my pastors and asked them to pray for me that God would give me the strength to return back to church. In November I made my way back.

I went to church desperate. I was tired of living with emotional and mental torture. I was tired and was DESPERATE for a change. I showed up that Sunday morning. My pastor came up to me and embraced me for awhile. I broke into tears. My pastor may not realize it, but his embrace represented God. I was being welcomed back. I was the prodigal daughter who squandered my inheritance. I even whispered in his ear, “I am home.” After being accepted as I was, I made a huge decision that day.

I made the decision to fully submit myself. I’m not talking about giving God a fraction of my life, but ALL of it; from my time to my money. I declared my life was not my own.  When I made that decision, I didn’t realize what was to come. God revealed himself to me. I got to know Him, and just how much He loved me. He declared His everlasting love for me. He declared me His bride, and Him my groom. He took off my dirty garments, and dressed me in beautiful white as snow garments. It was beautiful, and still chokes me up. It began a snowball of things in my life.

Now I love spending time with my groom. I speak to Him, and He speaks to me. After seeing my old journal, I told Him how grateful I am to know Him as my healer, among other things. He directed me to the gospels. I reread the story of the women with the issue of blood. If you’re not familiar with it, go to Matthew 9:20-22. God revealed to me that I was that women. You see, for many, many years I was bleeding. I was hemorrhaging, and I didn’t realize it. In my desperation, I reached for Him, “If only I could touch His garment I could be healed!” I reached for Him, and He turned to me. In the Matthew passages, Jesus turned around when the women touched Him and said, “Take heart, daughter. Your faith has healed you.”

It is now almost four months later. I can tell you that I look at that list of things from my old journal, and I can’t believe how much I’ve overcome. It’s only through Christ who gives me strength. I have new hopes and dreams. I have joy! I have peace. I have a future! My emotions have been healed. I feel loved and accepted. I am free of the torture! I'm free! God is creating new paths of thinking. Am I perfect? No. Am I satisfied where I’m at? No! Do I still have struggles? YES!!!! But I know a man, a perfect man…my new husband who loves to heal, provide for me, calm me, console me, strengthen me, encourage me… You get it.

I share my story because I’m sure there are some that feel like they are hemorrhaging right this second. It may not even be due to a relationship. It could be any reason. Maybe you are swallowing your tears. Maybe you are doubting God. Whatever the reason is, know that God is listening. He knows what you are going through. He hears you and sees you. He desires to reveal Himself to you. He wants you in your desperation to reach out to Him and only Him, and BELIEVE.  It’s ok if you’re broken. Psalm 51:17 says, “My sacrifice O God, is a broken spirit, and a contrite heart you, God, will not despise.” Have the courage to do so. I promise you that He will respond, and His words will be, “Take heart, daughter (son). Your faith has healed you.”