Take Heart

8/31/09

Today I feel totally psychotic.

One minute I feel hopeful, the next hopeless.

I feel inadequate.

I question why I am not good enough.

I feel weak and powerless.

I feel betrayed.

I don’t trust my thoughts and emotions.

I am afraid of being alone.

I feel lost with a big “?” for tomorrow.

I almost gave up.

9/1/09

How the hell did I get myself here?

I woke up at 7:30am with my stomach in knots, feeling the need to throw up.

I feel disillusioned this morning.

I doubt God today.

I am feeling completely worthless today.

I feel abandoned.

I feel tortured.

9/3/09

I feel like a beaten girl left on the side of the road.

I have looked in the mirror and not like what I saw.

I feel weak.

I feel unappreciated.

I feel neglected.

I feel anger.

I have felt hopeless.

I have been overwhelmed by what may be impossible.

A few weekends ago, I found my old journal. It contained entries dated 8/31/09 through 9/7/09.  These pages were filled with phrases of what I was feeling at that time in my life.

 

This was a dark time. I didn’t realize how dark until I found this journal. Here’s the context. I just started going back to church regularly since my senior year of high school. God had been pulling at me strongly for a whole year. I finally gave in to God, and went to church. It was an amazing day! Every worship song, every scripture, and the entire sermon was written just for me. That Sunday, I rededicated my life to God. Why was it then so dark? A week later, I separated from my husband. This was the beginning of a seven month separation.

I won’t go into details about my marriage because it has passed and there is forgiveness. I will say that this season began with me packing my bag with clothes, and calling my sister. That began the journey of telling my parents and siblings.

The next few months were extremely difficult even with their support. There are times in your life, that despite having all the support in the world, you feel alone in the struggle. Your family and friends are not with you when the lights go out, and your mind starts to be inundated by thoughts. In those moments, you feel the most alone.

I remember one night I slept at my dad’s apartment, so that I didn’t have a long commute to work in the morning. The time was about midnight, and I couldn’t sleep. My mind scrambled to figure things out. My emotions were all over the place. In an instant I was overwhelmed. I didn’t want to wake my dad so I swallowed my cries. During nights like this, Psalms 61:1-3 was what I would repeat out loud. It got me through those nights.

Hear my cry, O God;

Listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,

I call as my heart grows faint;

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For you have been my refuge,

A strong tower against the foe.

I remember one night clearly at a Friday night all night prayer, I laid and cried before God. “God I’m so tired of feeling this way. I don’t want THIS anymore!” It was as clear as day that I heard God give me directions. “Write down on a piece of paper all the thoughts you want gone.” I did what he said. I wrote down a long list of all the thoughts about myself and all my fears. I let it all out. When I was done, I prayed again. This time God replied with, “Now tear it up. It is done.” I bawled my eyes out that night. I believed.

He did answer my prayer, but it was four years later. I went back to my husband without us dealing with any of our issues. We got back into the same predicament, only worse. In May 2012, I stayed up one night and made the decision to leave knowing I was clear before God.

At this point in my life, I was near death. When I say death, I mean internally. I WAS broken. I WAS exhausted. I had no more fight left. Emotionally I was a complete mess. I won’t even go into details about how it affected me physically. I was desperate for change. DESPERATE! I stumbled back to my mom extremely wounded. My self-esteem was at its lowest. I WAS lost. I slept my weekends away. Some days I went to work, only to sit in my car and sob. I’d call my co-workers and tell them I just couldn’t walk in. They would graciously take my students, and I’d drive right back to my moms. Other days I would leave at lunch because a wave of emotions would hit me. One night I couldn’t sleep. I crawled into my mom’s bed at 2am and asked her to pray for me. “I need you to pray because I don’t have any peace!” My mom prayed and talked to me. I slept with her that night. Thank you Jesus for Godly mothers.

This went on until November 2012. I filed for divorce in October (boy was that a day!) I emailed my pastors and asked them to pray for me that God would give me the strength to return back to church. In November I made my way back.

I went to church desperate. I was tired of living with emotional and mental torture. I was tired and was DESPERATE for a change. I showed up that Sunday morning. My pastor came up to me and embraced me for awhile. I broke into tears. My pastor may not realize it, but his embrace represented God. I was being welcomed back. I was the prodigal daughter who squandered my inheritance. I even whispered in his ear, “I am home.” After being accepted as I was, I made a huge decision that day.

I made the decision to fully submit myself. I’m not talking about giving God a fraction of my life, but ALL of it; from my time to my money. I declared my life was not my own.  When I made that decision, I didn’t realize what was to come. God revealed himself to me. I got to know Him, and just how much He loved me. He declared His everlasting love for me. He declared me His bride, and Him my groom. He took off my dirty garments, and dressed me in beautiful white as snow garments. It was beautiful, and still chokes me up. It began a snowball of things in my life.

Now I love spending time with my groom. I speak to Him, and He speaks to me. After seeing my old journal, I told Him how grateful I am to know Him as my healer, among other things. He directed me to the gospels. I reread the story of the women with the issue of blood. If you’re not familiar with it, go to Matthew 9:20-22. God revealed to me that I was that women. You see, for many, many years I was bleeding. I was hemorrhaging, and I didn’t realize it. In my desperation, I reached for Him, “If only I could touch His garment I could be healed!” I reached for Him, and He turned to me. In the Matthew passages, Jesus turned around when the women touched Him and said, “Take heart, daughter. Your faith has healed you.”

It is now almost four months later. I can tell you that I look at that list of things from my old journal, and I can’t believe how much I’ve overcome. It’s only through Christ who gives me strength. I have new hopes and dreams. I have joy! I have peace. I have a future! My emotions have been healed. I feel loved and accepted. I am free of the torture! I'm free! God is creating new paths of thinking. Am I perfect? No. Am I satisfied where I’m at? No! Do I still have struggles? YES!!!! But I know a man, a perfect man…my new husband who loves to heal, provide for me, calm me, console me, strengthen me, encourage me… You get it.

I share my story because I’m sure there are some that feel like they are hemorrhaging right this second. It may not even be due to a relationship. It could be any reason. Maybe you are swallowing your tears. Maybe you are doubting God. Whatever the reason is, know that God is listening. He knows what you are going through. He hears you and sees you. He desires to reveal Himself to you. He wants you in your desperation to reach out to Him and only Him, and BELIEVE.  It’s ok if you’re broken. Psalm 51:17 says, “My sacrifice O God, is a broken spirit, and a contrite heart you, God, will not despise.” Have the courage to do so. I promise you that He will respond, and His words will be, “Take heart, daughter (son). Your faith has healed you.”