Queen of What Ifs

I....Have been therapized.  This is the term my co-worker and I have used with each other to describe the fact that we regularly saw therapists. From April 2012 through November 2012, I went to therapy once a week for an hour. I'm not ashamed of it. In fact, I think most of us need a few sessions (and some need more, way more).  I was fortunate that my insurance plan gave me unlimited sessions with a little co-pay. It's because of that that I met Monica, my therapist.

Monica is a secular therapist. My insurance wouldn't cover a Christian one. But I believe God still used her to get through to me. She was no nonsense. She cut straight to the point. She dropped a few f-bombs. But overall, she spoke truth. And truth is what I needed.

Truth is... I AM...wait...was the Queen of What Ifs! My mind used to dwell on the what ifs of life. I was tangled in the hypothetical world, creating and replaying situations that I thought could exist. I dreamed up conversations that may or could come true. I would dwell on conversations that didn't exist in the past and what they would have looked like if they did take place. I know this may sound confusing, so let me give you an example of one of my what if situations that I told Monica.

Right before I left my husband in May, we had argued fiercely. I had pressed him about what he wanted. After skirting around the issue, he finally said that he felt that he wanted freedom. Two days later, I left with enough clothes for a week. I returned when I ran out of clothing. I went back for a pick up, and he approached me. Here is how the conversation played out:

    "Steph, can we talk?" he asked.
    "Talk about what?" I responded.
    "About how we are feeling about our situation?"
    "There is nothing left to say" I said.

The conversation physically ended there, and I walked out the door.  I say it physically ended because it did end between he and I in person. However, the conversation did not end in my mind. The old Steph began to dwell on one statement: "Can we talk about how we are feeling about the situation?" The Queen of What If began doing what she did best. I dwelled on that heavily. My mind spun and was overwhelmed with questions.  What did he want to tell me? Did he want to tell me to stay? Did he want to reconcile? Was he wanting to say that he missed me as much as I missed him? What if I stayed and talked? Would things be different? What if I missed my shot? What if that conversation was the beginning of God beginning the healing process? These questions made me so anxious and filled me with worry that I did the wrong thing.  I couldn't sleep each night as these questions played out over and over and over and over and over again. Worry built up in me. It consumed me. This went on for one week.

The following Monday I couldn't wait  to get to Monica's office and release what I was feeling. I told her the above situation. She verbally slapped me. HA! She did. It hurt. I'm sure you're wondering what her response was. She asked me questions in return. (I hate it when you want an answer and are just given more questions). "Did he say anything to make you believe he was sorry?" No. "Did he say he wanted you back?" No.  "Did he say he didn't want you to leave?" No.  She then said something that I still use to this day. "If you want to know what he meant that bad.... ask him. If not, LET. IT.  GO."

Monica didn't badger me any further.  She began talking to me about our brain and how it works. She then told me something that dramatically changed my life. You gotta hear this! Here is what she said:

Your brain doesn't know the difference between real and hypothetical.

She explained further. "When you have these what ifs swarming, fictional conversations playing out, and they cause you to feel pain or anxiety, your body doesn't know that they did not occur in real life, and it perceives the anxiety and pain as real danger. Your brain then sends out flight or fight biochemicals into your body. " She then went into what happens when those biochemicals enter your body. I found info on this from the Franklin Institute.  They have tons of info, but I'm going to try my best to condense it! Here we go:

"The primary area of the brain that deals with stress is its limbic system. Because of its enormous influence on emotions and memory, the limbic system is often referred to as the emotional brain. Whenever you PERCEIVE a threat, imminent or IMAGINED, your limbic systems immediately responses via your autonomic nervous system."

Ok...get this... your limbic system steps in when it perceives a threat either IMMINENT or IMAGINED!!! That blows me away even now. Now read about what happens next! :)

"Your sympathetic nervous system does an excellent job of rapidly preparing you to deal with what is perceived as a threat. Its hormones initiate several metabolic processes that best allow you to cope with sudden danger. These hormones shut down functions unnecessary during the emergency. Growth, reproduction, and the immune system goes on hold. Blood flow to the skin is reduced. That's why chronic stress leads to sexual dysfunction, increases your getting sick, and often manifests as skin ailments."

WOW. Your immune system is put on hold which means you cannot battle sickness.  I'm not even going into the other stuff! But wait...there is more! :)

"Your adrenal glands release adrenaline and other hormones that increase breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure. You will then have plenty of energy to flight or fight because adrenaline causes a rapid release of glucose and fatty acids into your bloodstream."

Blood pressure rises. Tightness in the chest happens. Panic attacks. Are you getting this? Are you really? Now here is the kicker...

"After a perceived danger has passed, your body then tries to return to normal. But this may not be easy. The trouble is that some stress hormones don't know when to quit pulling. They remain active in the brain for too long- injuring and even killing cells in the hippocampus, the area of your brain needed for memory and learning. If either one of the stimulating or tranquilizing chemical forces dominates the other without relief, then you will experience and on-going state of internal imbalance."

An on-going state of internal imbalance. If you read my last blog, you know that that was EXACTLY what I was going through. I wavered between hope and hopelessness.   After hearing this, I left Monica's office in awe for several different reasons:

1) I truly didn't realize what my what ifs had been doing to me.
2) I was in awe of how God created our brains.
3) The scientific evidence backed up what God says to us.

I know this blog is long already, so please give me a few more minutes to elaborate. PLEASE!! 

As I read the gospels, Jesus clearly addresses worry over and over again. 

"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Matthew 6:27

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow ill worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

The list goes on and on. Look! Jesus knows how our brain works. After all, He did create them. He does not want us to worry and dwell on our troubles. Doing this will literally kill us over time. It will not add an hour. In fact, it will take hours away! But knowing that our humanity would sneak in, He created a back up system in our brains to handle (for a short time) the overwhelming stress. But He does not want us living in that state. To live in it,  will cause brain damage...literally.

That is why we are taught in the Word to take our thoughts captive and be transformed by the renewing of our mind. To not do that, can leave us in an "on-going state of internal imbalance." We have to either process the situation immediately by clarifying the issue; in my case, asking my husband what he meant. Or by letting go...And letting go can also mean...here comes the "F" word...forgiving. We are not physically designed to hold worry and unforgiveness for a prolonged period of time.

And here is the final kicker... If we stay in that imbalanced state, it will interfere with learning and memory. Here is what I learned. When I'm in that imbalanced state, I cannot hear from God. I cannot learn from God. I cannot remember the moments where God saw me through. I am left on my own. Ok... if you're really not getting this, then I'll pray for you.  When I began to really see the big picture, I began to let go. Truly let go. This is what I truly believe started me in the path to healing.

It is then that I began to hear God's voice again. It was then that I could feel His presence. My SELF-INDUCED stress, blocked me from Him coming to my aid in the situation. When I finally got this, God shifted me. I no longer was the Queen of What Ifs. I became an heir of peace. 

So I leave you with this. Evaluate your thought life. Are you having conversations in your mind that your brain is perceiving as trouble? Can your SELF-INDUCED worry be resolved quickly by taking one quick step, like in my case,  by being bold enough to just ask a simple question? Or... do you simply need to let go?