My Hidden Shame.

This is my very first guest blog....and boy is it a great one. I have known Beth since she was 3 years old, and I was 9 riding her around a Bible school campus in Southern California. Her parents were in Bible school, and my dad was campus pastor. Many years have passed, and she has grown into a wonderful woman. This post touched my life. This is the first time she is publicly sharing her story. She is more brave and courageous than I could ever be for doing so.  May her story draw you closer to our loving Heavenly Father. May her story bring healing to the other Beth's and Amanda's reading this. Be blessed.

-Steph

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I wanted to share a testimony of something in my life. I want to be as transparent and honest as possible.

I'd like to start by talking about my favorite person from the Bible... David. I love David because while he knew and loved God, he made some very bad choices. He sinned just like you and me. He had someone killed to try and hide his sin.  I can relate to him because of that. You'll understand why in just a moment.

Growing up life was as perfect as any kid could want. Not only did we have everything we needed, but also everything we wanted. My parents were loving, kind, caring, and affectionate. However, as I got older, about 15 or 16, I started to walk away from God. Nothing major...Just distanced myself from God. When I turned 18, I was gonna do what I wanted regardless of how I was raised.
Because I chose to distance myself and harden my heart toward God, I created a void in my heart and then tried to fill it with junk. I've never done drugs. I was never a drinker, but attention from guys temporarily filled that void. I could say I was just being independent; That it was just sex and it meant nothing, but in my heart I wanted to feel loved, wanted, like someone thought I was beautiful. While I was out doing whatever I wanted (make my declaration of independence), I was accumulating and collecting baggage. It didn't matter how much my parents loved me or what they taught me. I was going do what I wanted to do.

When I was 18, my friends and I went to the Kern County Fair where I met a really nice guy. We were friends for five months. Well one day, February 15, 2002, we hung out and ended up having sex. ONE TIME. One time only. We still talked sometimes. Well as the next few weeks passed... I know this may sound crazy, but I would go to Barnes and Nobles. I was automatically drawn to the baby books. It was like a magnetic feeling. I was just overwhelmed to do this. I'd look at all the baby names and even write some down.

Now, after looking back, I had a class at a local junior college that was upstairs, and I'd get super tired after going up the steps. I thought nothing of these things. Well one day after school,I had that overwhelming feeling again. This time it was to stop at a drug store and get a pregnancy test. Not because I thought it would say positive, but just to satisfy this crazy feeling. NEVER did I think it would say pregnant.

I couldn't wait until I got home, so I stopped at a Jack in the Box. I took the test out of the box, threw the box in the trash outside because in my head it was gonna say negative. One line meant not pregnant and two lines meant positive. So I take the test and slowly two lines appear. OMG! I go frantic outside into that trash to get the box to see if I misread it because I had to be wrong. Nope. I'm pregnant.

Beth on Easter Sunday

WTH am I going to do? My parents are going to kill me. How am I going to explain that not only am I pregnant, but I slept with someone I didn't even love? What was my family going to think? What were their friends going to say? There was no way I was gonna have a baby. I had to have an abortion. I HAD TO HIDE MY SIN. I immediately called my best friend. She said, "Oh my god! Why did you take that test alone? I'm calling the clinic so you can take a proper test." I went to the clinic, and they confirm it. I get together with my three best friends (who are still my best friends today). One says have the abortion. One says do what you want. The other says no don't do it.

The very next day I went to my friends house, sat at her bar, and called the abortion clinic. They said they couldn't see me for another week. They make my appointment for the day after Easter, April 1st. I wasn't happy about waiting that long because I had plans to go to spring break, and because every day that went by I knew the baby inside me was growing. I convinced myself that the sooner I had this done, the less of a person it was and it didn't matter. So I went to spring break and had a miserable time. Sick as heck. The end of spring break meant the day was getting closer. I go to church Easter Sunday with nothing on my mind but what the next day held.

Monday morning comes. I get up early to get dressed. I wanna look as cute as possible, so that when it's all over no one will notice anything different about me. So no one can tell what I've done. I do my hair really cute and dress cute. I pick up two of my friends, and we head out. I sign in at the clinic. As I sat waiting, I saw another girl drive up with her boyfriend. She was a Mexican girl. Crunchy, orangish, blondish hair. I later found out her name was Amanda.

Before the abortion, you get called into several different rooms. The first room is an office. There's a lady at a desk, and she asks if your having the abortion out of your own free will. She also takes your payment. $350 is the value I placed on my own child. A living, growing person, who was in the safest place in the world. Next I had an ultrasound. The lady was so nice. The screen was faced away from me. The lady looks at me and sweetly says "You're about 7 1/2 weeks." She said it as if I was keeping it. Next I changed into a gown. I remember thinking, "This is it." Then you go into a tiny dim waiting room. I sat there with several other women all of us in our gowns. One of the girls was Amanda. I was nervous and made small talk. I asked, "Is this your first time here?" She said, "No. This is my third." I said, "Oh this is my first time here." 

Finally I get called into the room. It's the same kinda room we all go into to see a doctor. A nice lady preps my IV and walks out. As I'm staring at the ceiling, my eyes filled up with tears, and I'm thinking, "I need to go home and talk to my mom" but...I don't. You see at this point in my life I was so far from Christ that I could still hear his voice in the distance, but I was too deep in my own sin. So blinded by the lies of the enemy. "No one ever has to know!" "You cant take care of a kid!" "Imagine how your parents will feel!" "It has no feeling any way". Those were the lies I believed.

The nurse came back with the doctor,and my tears are now spilling into my ears. The doctor says it's okay, and I fall asleep. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in a big room, in a big line of women. All of us are in a hospital bed, and a nurse is trying to wake me up. She says, "Hey. Hey. Pick up your panties." I'm so groggy I fall back to sleep. Here she comes again. "Hey. Hey. I said pick up your panties." I wake up enough to do what she says. Half asleep I look to my left and of all the women in the room I'm next to...the girl Amanda. She says, "Are you okay?" I whisper "yes". She says, "Don't come back here ok?" I said, "Ok." My friends pick me up. I looked out the back window of my car the entire way home, and spent the rest of the day recovering at my friend's house. 

I felt like the whole world was looking at me, and they all knew what I had done. I felt so relived that no one would ever have to know. I could go on with life as normal. That lasted for a little while. Then guilt set in. I felt like anyone who committed any sin could be forgiven... but not me. God could never forgive me. How sad is that? I grow up in church my entire life and yet don't realize that God forgives no matter what we do. I lived like that for 5 years. I couldn't raise my hands in church. I couldn't make a solid commitment to Christ. I felt bound. I was allowing myself to be weighed down with all my baggage. I was filthy. I wallowed around in my own garbage and was unnecessarily holding onto it. 

God has blessed her with three beautiful children

One day at church I looked at the bulletin and there was a Bible study for post abortion women. That was me! I called ASAP! That's where I studied the character of Christ. My eyes were opened to the fullness of God. That he WANTED my baggage and filth. He WANTED to forgive me. I just had to allow him to forgive me. And I did. Do I still think of my sad decision? EVERY. DAY. But I know I'm forgiven. Not only do I know I'm forgiven, but I have an understanding of the fullness and depth of my father's love and mercy. So if you see me crying, hands held high, this story is probably why. Ashes for Beauty. That sin was my ashes, and he gave me beauty in return. There's nothing Christ won't forgive you for. He's the ultimate father. His love and forgiveness go beyond anything we could ever understand.

Beth and her husband

 "I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is."

Ephesians 3:16, 18 

  

"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory." Isaiah 61:3 

"Once again you will have compassion on us. You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!"
Micah 7:19 

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1John 1:9

"When we were overwhelmed by sins, you forgave our transgressions."
Psalms 65:3