My Momma

I'm so blessed to have a mom as wonderful as mine. 

As a little girl, I have so many fabulous memories of my mom. Scooting the chair to help her cook. Slipping on her sandals and walking around the house trying to be her. Bedtime stories snuggled up to her. Learning to wash my hair as she sang a song. Learning the birds and the bees with her pointing things out from an encyclopedia (haha!). Getting tickled to tears. Doing puzzles together. Picking flowers. Playing Memory. Making dresses for my Barbies. Combing out the knots in my naps...lol.

As I got older in my teens years, I interacted more with friends, but I watched her closely. I saw her minister to hurting ladies. I saw her exhausted after getting off work, yet still making a meal. I saw her sacrifice buying herself things to get us what we needed. Throughout it all, I never heard her complain.

As life moved on... I stood in awe at her strength as life around her fell apart. I saw her lean on her Lord for comfort, yet still maintain joy. She carried herself with dignity. Not a negative word from her lips. Her prayers remained fervent for her kids.

As I became a woman, I became aware of her wisdom and unconditional love. She pushed me towards my dreams. She encouraged me to stride and be all that I wanted to be. As I traveled away from God, she never condemned. Only showed me love. Her words always speak truth. They always turn her children to God. She took her kids in when injured, and caressed our hurts away. Her spiritual radar is impeccable. Her covering keeps the enemy away.

And if those things aren't enough, the cherry on top is she knows how to have a good time. Whether doing the dougie with her grandkids, or yelling for the Raiders, she is fun to be around. 

Not everyone gets the opportunity to have a mom like mine. She is who I aspire to be. I'm so grateful for all she has done for me, and for standing by my side. She is my rock. She is my hero. I am fortunate to call her mine.

Happy Birthday, Mom! Today, and everyday, your kids rise up and call you blessed. 

Queen of What Ifs

I....Have been therapized.  This is the term my co-worker and I have used with each other to describe the fact that we regularly saw therapists. From April 2012 through November 2012, I went to therapy once a week for an hour. I'm not ashamed of it. In fact, I think most of us need a few sessions (and some need more, way more).  I was fortunate that my insurance plan gave me unlimited sessions with a little co-pay. It's because of that that I met Monica, my therapist.

Monica is a secular therapist. My insurance wouldn't cover a Christian one. But I believe God still used her to get through to me. She was no nonsense. She cut straight to the point. She dropped a few f-bombs. But overall, she spoke truth. And truth is what I needed.

Truth is... I AM...wait...was the Queen of What Ifs! My mind used to dwell on the what ifs of life. I was tangled in the hypothetical world, creating and replaying situations that I thought could exist. I dreamed up conversations that may or could come true. I would dwell on conversations that didn't exist in the past and what they would have looked like if they did take place. I know this may sound confusing, so let me give you an example of one of my what if situations that I told Monica.

Right before I left my husband in May, we had argued fiercely. I had pressed him about what he wanted. After skirting around the issue, he finally said that he felt that he wanted freedom. Two days later, I left with enough clothes for a week. I returned when I ran out of clothing. I went back for a pick up, and he approached me. Here is how the conversation played out:

    "Steph, can we talk?" he asked.
    "Talk about what?" I responded.
    "About how we are feeling about our situation?"
    "There is nothing left to say" I said.

The conversation physically ended there, and I walked out the door.  I say it physically ended because it did end between he and I in person. However, the conversation did not end in my mind. The old Steph began to dwell on one statement: "Can we talk about how we are feeling about the situation?" The Queen of What If began doing what she did best. I dwelled on that heavily. My mind spun and was overwhelmed with questions.  What did he want to tell me? Did he want to tell me to stay? Did he want to reconcile? Was he wanting to say that he missed me as much as I missed him? What if I stayed and talked? Would things be different? What if I missed my shot? What if that conversation was the beginning of God beginning the healing process? These questions made me so anxious and filled me with worry that I did the wrong thing.  I couldn't sleep each night as these questions played out over and over and over and over and over again. Worry built up in me. It consumed me. This went on for one week.

The following Monday I couldn't wait  to get to Monica's office and release what I was feeling. I told her the above situation. She verbally slapped me. HA! She did. It hurt. I'm sure you're wondering what her response was. She asked me questions in return. (I hate it when you want an answer and are just given more questions). "Did he say anything to make you believe he was sorry?" No. "Did he say he wanted you back?" No.  "Did he say he didn't want you to leave?" No.  She then said something that I still use to this day. "If you want to know what he meant that bad.... ask him. If not, LET. IT.  GO."

Monica didn't badger me any further.  She began talking to me about our brain and how it works. She then told me something that dramatically changed my life. You gotta hear this! Here is what she said:

Your brain doesn't know the difference between real and hypothetical.

She explained further. "When you have these what ifs swarming, fictional conversations playing out, and they cause you to feel pain or anxiety, your body doesn't know that they did not occur in real life, and it perceives the anxiety and pain as real danger. Your brain then sends out flight or fight biochemicals into your body. " She then went into what happens when those biochemicals enter your body. I found info on this from the Franklin Institute.  They have tons of info, but I'm going to try my best to condense it! Here we go:

"The primary area of the brain that deals with stress is its limbic system. Because of its enormous influence on emotions and memory, the limbic system is often referred to as the emotional brain. Whenever you PERCEIVE a threat, imminent or IMAGINED, your limbic systems immediately responses via your autonomic nervous system."

Ok...get this... your limbic system steps in when it perceives a threat either IMMINENT or IMAGINED!!! That blows me away even now. Now read about what happens next! :)

"Your sympathetic nervous system does an excellent job of rapidly preparing you to deal with what is perceived as a threat. Its hormones initiate several metabolic processes that best allow you to cope with sudden danger. These hormones shut down functions unnecessary during the emergency. Growth, reproduction, and the immune system goes on hold. Blood flow to the skin is reduced. That's why chronic stress leads to sexual dysfunction, increases your getting sick, and often manifests as skin ailments."

WOW. Your immune system is put on hold which means you cannot battle sickness.  I'm not even going into the other stuff! But wait...there is more! :)

"Your adrenal glands release adrenaline and other hormones that increase breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure. You will then have plenty of energy to flight or fight because adrenaline causes a rapid release of glucose and fatty acids into your bloodstream."

Blood pressure rises. Tightness in the chest happens. Panic attacks. Are you getting this? Are you really? Now here is the kicker...

"After a perceived danger has passed, your body then tries to return to normal. But this may not be easy. The trouble is that some stress hormones don't know when to quit pulling. They remain active in the brain for too long- injuring and even killing cells in the hippocampus, the area of your brain needed for memory and learning. If either one of the stimulating or tranquilizing chemical forces dominates the other without relief, then you will experience and on-going state of internal imbalance."

An on-going state of internal imbalance. If you read my last blog, you know that that was EXACTLY what I was going through. I wavered between hope and hopelessness.   After hearing this, I left Monica's office in awe for several different reasons:

1) I truly didn't realize what my what ifs had been doing to me.
2) I was in awe of how God created our brains.
3) The scientific evidence backed up what God says to us.

I know this blog is long already, so please give me a few more minutes to elaborate. PLEASE!! 

As I read the gospels, Jesus clearly addresses worry over and over again. 

"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Matthew 6:27

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow ill worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

The list goes on and on. Look! Jesus knows how our brain works. After all, He did create them. He does not want us to worry and dwell on our troubles. Doing this will literally kill us over time. It will not add an hour. In fact, it will take hours away! But knowing that our humanity would sneak in, He created a back up system in our brains to handle (for a short time) the overwhelming stress. But He does not want us living in that state. To live in it,  will cause brain damage...literally.

That is why we are taught in the Word to take our thoughts captive and be transformed by the renewing of our mind. To not do that, can leave us in an "on-going state of internal imbalance." We have to either process the situation immediately by clarifying the issue; in my case, asking my husband what he meant. Or by letting go...And letting go can also mean...here comes the "F" word...forgiving. We are not physically designed to hold worry and unforgiveness for a prolonged period of time.

And here is the final kicker... If we stay in that imbalanced state, it will interfere with learning and memory. Here is what I learned. When I'm in that imbalanced state, I cannot hear from God. I cannot learn from God. I cannot remember the moments where God saw me through. I am left on my own. Ok... if you're really not getting this, then I'll pray for you.  When I began to really see the big picture, I began to let go. Truly let go. This is what I truly believe started me in the path to healing.

It is then that I began to hear God's voice again. It was then that I could feel His presence. My SELF-INDUCED stress, blocked me from Him coming to my aid in the situation. When I finally got this, God shifted me. I no longer was the Queen of What Ifs. I became an heir of peace. 

So I leave you with this. Evaluate your thought life. Are you having conversations in your mind that your brain is perceiving as trouble? Can your SELF-INDUCED worry be resolved quickly by taking one quick step, like in my case,  by being bold enough to just ask a simple question? Or... do you simply need to let go?

Take Heart

8/31/09

Today I feel totally psychotic.

One minute I feel hopeful, the next hopeless.

I feel inadequate.

I question why I am not good enough.

I feel weak and powerless.

I feel betrayed.

I don’t trust my thoughts and emotions.

I am afraid of being alone.

I feel lost with a big “?” for tomorrow.

I almost gave up.

9/1/09

How the hell did I get myself here?

I woke up at 7:30am with my stomach in knots, feeling the need to throw up.

I feel disillusioned this morning.

I doubt God today.

I am feeling completely worthless today.

I feel abandoned.

I feel tortured.

9/3/09

I feel like a beaten girl left on the side of the road.

I have looked in the mirror and not like what I saw.

I feel weak.

I feel unappreciated.

I feel neglected.

I feel anger.

I have felt hopeless.

I have been overwhelmed by what may be impossible.

A few weekends ago, I found my old journal. It contained entries dated 8/31/09 through 9/7/09.  These pages were filled with phrases of what I was feeling at that time in my life.

 

This was a dark time. I didn’t realize how dark until I found this journal. Here’s the context. I just started going back to church regularly since my senior year of high school. God had been pulling at me strongly for a whole year. I finally gave in to God, and went to church. It was an amazing day! Every worship song, every scripture, and the entire sermon was written just for me. That Sunday, I rededicated my life to God. Why was it then so dark? A week later, I separated from my husband. This was the beginning of a seven month separation.

I won’t go into details about my marriage because it has passed and there is forgiveness. I will say that this season began with me packing my bag with clothes, and calling my sister. That began the journey of telling my parents and siblings.

The next few months were extremely difficult even with their support. There are times in your life, that despite having all the support in the world, you feel alone in the struggle. Your family and friends are not with you when the lights go out, and your mind starts to be inundated by thoughts. In those moments, you feel the most alone.

I remember one night I slept at my dad’s apartment, so that I didn’t have a long commute to work in the morning. The time was about midnight, and I couldn’t sleep. My mind scrambled to figure things out. My emotions were all over the place. In an instant I was overwhelmed. I didn’t want to wake my dad so I swallowed my cries. During nights like this, Psalms 61:1-3 was what I would repeat out loud. It got me through those nights.

Hear my cry, O God;

Listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,

I call as my heart grows faint;

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For you have been my refuge,

A strong tower against the foe.

I remember one night clearly at a Friday night all night prayer, I laid and cried before God. “God I’m so tired of feeling this way. I don’t want THIS anymore!” It was as clear as day that I heard God give me directions. “Write down on a piece of paper all the thoughts you want gone.” I did what he said. I wrote down a long list of all the thoughts about myself and all my fears. I let it all out. When I was done, I prayed again. This time God replied with, “Now tear it up. It is done.” I bawled my eyes out that night. I believed.

He did answer my prayer, but it was four years later. I went back to my husband without us dealing with any of our issues. We got back into the same predicament, only worse. In May 2012, I stayed up one night and made the decision to leave knowing I was clear before God.

At this point in my life, I was near death. When I say death, I mean internally. I WAS broken. I WAS exhausted. I had no more fight left. Emotionally I was a complete mess. I won’t even go into details about how it affected me physically. I was desperate for change. DESPERATE! I stumbled back to my mom extremely wounded. My self-esteem was at its lowest. I WAS lost. I slept my weekends away. Some days I went to work, only to sit in my car and sob. I’d call my co-workers and tell them I just couldn’t walk in. They would graciously take my students, and I’d drive right back to my moms. Other days I would leave at lunch because a wave of emotions would hit me. One night I couldn’t sleep. I crawled into my mom’s bed at 2am and asked her to pray for me. “I need you to pray because I don’t have any peace!” My mom prayed and talked to me. I slept with her that night. Thank you Jesus for Godly mothers.

This went on until November 2012. I filed for divorce in October (boy was that a day!) I emailed my pastors and asked them to pray for me that God would give me the strength to return back to church. In November I made my way back.

I went to church desperate. I was tired of living with emotional and mental torture. I was tired and was DESPERATE for a change. I showed up that Sunday morning. My pastor came up to me and embraced me for awhile. I broke into tears. My pastor may not realize it, but his embrace represented God. I was being welcomed back. I was the prodigal daughter who squandered my inheritance. I even whispered in his ear, “I am home.” After being accepted as I was, I made a huge decision that day.

I made the decision to fully submit myself. I’m not talking about giving God a fraction of my life, but ALL of it; from my time to my money. I declared my life was not my own.  When I made that decision, I didn’t realize what was to come. God revealed himself to me. I got to know Him, and just how much He loved me. He declared His everlasting love for me. He declared me His bride, and Him my groom. He took off my dirty garments, and dressed me in beautiful white as snow garments. It was beautiful, and still chokes me up. It began a snowball of things in my life.

Now I love spending time with my groom. I speak to Him, and He speaks to me. After seeing my old journal, I told Him how grateful I am to know Him as my healer, among other things. He directed me to the gospels. I reread the story of the women with the issue of blood. If you’re not familiar with it, go to Matthew 9:20-22. God revealed to me that I was that women. You see, for many, many years I was bleeding. I was hemorrhaging, and I didn’t realize it. In my desperation, I reached for Him, “If only I could touch His garment I could be healed!” I reached for Him, and He turned to me. In the Matthew passages, Jesus turned around when the women touched Him and said, “Take heart, daughter. Your faith has healed you.”

It is now almost four months later. I can tell you that I look at that list of things from my old journal, and I can’t believe how much I’ve overcome. It’s only through Christ who gives me strength. I have new hopes and dreams. I have joy! I have peace. I have a future! My emotions have been healed. I feel loved and accepted. I am free of the torture! I'm free! God is creating new paths of thinking. Am I perfect? No. Am I satisfied where I’m at? No! Do I still have struggles? YES!!!! But I know a man, a perfect man…my new husband who loves to heal, provide for me, calm me, console me, strengthen me, encourage me… You get it.

I share my story because I’m sure there are some that feel like they are hemorrhaging right this second. It may not even be due to a relationship. It could be any reason. Maybe you are swallowing your tears. Maybe you are doubting God. Whatever the reason is, know that God is listening. He knows what you are going through. He hears you and sees you. He desires to reveal Himself to you. He wants you in your desperation to reach out to Him and only Him, and BELIEVE.  It’s ok if you’re broken. Psalm 51:17 says, “My sacrifice O God, is a broken spirit, and a contrite heart you, God, will not despise.” Have the courage to do so. I promise you that He will respond, and His words will be, “Take heart, daughter (son). Your faith has healed you.”

My Hidden Shame.

This is my very first guest blog....and boy is it a great one. I have known Beth since she was 3 years old, and I was 9 riding her around a Bible school campus in Southern California. Her parents were in Bible school, and my dad was campus pastor. Many years have passed, and she has grown into a wonderful woman. This post touched my life. This is the first time she is publicly sharing her story. She is more brave and courageous than I could ever be for doing so.  May her story draw you closer to our loving Heavenly Father. May her story bring healing to the other Beth's and Amanda's reading this. Be blessed.

-Steph

---

I wanted to share a testimony of something in my life. I want to be as transparent and honest as possible.

I'd like to start by talking about my favorite person from the Bible... David. I love David because while he knew and loved God, he made some very bad choices. He sinned just like you and me. He had someone killed to try and hide his sin.  I can relate to him because of that. You'll understand why in just a moment.

Growing up life was as perfect as any kid could want. Not only did we have everything we needed, but also everything we wanted. My parents were loving, kind, caring, and affectionate. However, as I got older, about 15 or 16, I started to walk away from God. Nothing major...Just distanced myself from God. When I turned 18, I was gonna do what I wanted regardless of how I was raised.
Because I chose to distance myself and harden my heart toward God, I created a void in my heart and then tried to fill it with junk. I've never done drugs. I was never a drinker, but attention from guys temporarily filled that void. I could say I was just being independent; That it was just sex and it meant nothing, but in my heart I wanted to feel loved, wanted, like someone thought I was beautiful. While I was out doing whatever I wanted (make my declaration of independence), I was accumulating and collecting baggage. It didn't matter how much my parents loved me or what they taught me. I was going do what I wanted to do.

When I was 18, my friends and I went to the Kern County Fair where I met a really nice guy. We were friends for five months. Well one day, February 15, 2002, we hung out and ended up having sex. ONE TIME. One time only. We still talked sometimes. Well as the next few weeks passed... I know this may sound crazy, but I would go to Barnes and Nobles. I was automatically drawn to the baby books. It was like a magnetic feeling. I was just overwhelmed to do this. I'd look at all the baby names and even write some down.

Now, after looking back, I had a class at a local junior college that was upstairs, and I'd get super tired after going up the steps. I thought nothing of these things. Well one day after school,I had that overwhelming feeling again. This time it was to stop at a drug store and get a pregnancy test. Not because I thought it would say positive, but just to satisfy this crazy feeling. NEVER did I think it would say pregnant.

I couldn't wait until I got home, so I stopped at a Jack in the Box. I took the test out of the box, threw the box in the trash outside because in my head it was gonna say negative. One line meant not pregnant and two lines meant positive. So I take the test and slowly two lines appear. OMG! I go frantic outside into that trash to get the box to see if I misread it because I had to be wrong. Nope. I'm pregnant.

Beth on Easter Sunday

WTH am I going to do? My parents are going to kill me. How am I going to explain that not only am I pregnant, but I slept with someone I didn't even love? What was my family going to think? What were their friends going to say? There was no way I was gonna have a baby. I had to have an abortion. I HAD TO HIDE MY SIN. I immediately called my best friend. She said, "Oh my god! Why did you take that test alone? I'm calling the clinic so you can take a proper test." I went to the clinic, and they confirm it. I get together with my three best friends (who are still my best friends today). One says have the abortion. One says do what you want. The other says no don't do it.

The very next day I went to my friends house, sat at her bar, and called the abortion clinic. They said they couldn't see me for another week. They make my appointment for the day after Easter, April 1st. I wasn't happy about waiting that long because I had plans to go to spring break, and because every day that went by I knew the baby inside me was growing. I convinced myself that the sooner I had this done, the less of a person it was and it didn't matter. So I went to spring break and had a miserable time. Sick as heck. The end of spring break meant the day was getting closer. I go to church Easter Sunday with nothing on my mind but what the next day held.

Monday morning comes. I get up early to get dressed. I wanna look as cute as possible, so that when it's all over no one will notice anything different about me. So no one can tell what I've done. I do my hair really cute and dress cute. I pick up two of my friends, and we head out. I sign in at the clinic. As I sat waiting, I saw another girl drive up with her boyfriend. She was a Mexican girl. Crunchy, orangish, blondish hair. I later found out her name was Amanda.

Before the abortion, you get called into several different rooms. The first room is an office. There's a lady at a desk, and she asks if your having the abortion out of your own free will. She also takes your payment. $350 is the value I placed on my own child. A living, growing person, who was in the safest place in the world. Next I had an ultrasound. The lady was so nice. The screen was faced away from me. The lady looks at me and sweetly says "You're about 7 1/2 weeks." She said it as if I was keeping it. Next I changed into a gown. I remember thinking, "This is it." Then you go into a tiny dim waiting room. I sat there with several other women all of us in our gowns. One of the girls was Amanda. I was nervous and made small talk. I asked, "Is this your first time here?" She said, "No. This is my third." I said, "Oh this is my first time here." 

Finally I get called into the room. It's the same kinda room we all go into to see a doctor. A nice lady preps my IV and walks out. As I'm staring at the ceiling, my eyes filled up with tears, and I'm thinking, "I need to go home and talk to my mom" but...I don't. You see at this point in my life I was so far from Christ that I could still hear his voice in the distance, but I was too deep in my own sin. So blinded by the lies of the enemy. "No one ever has to know!" "You cant take care of a kid!" "Imagine how your parents will feel!" "It has no feeling any way". Those were the lies I believed.

The nurse came back with the doctor,and my tears are now spilling into my ears. The doctor says it's okay, and I fall asleep. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in a big room, in a big line of women. All of us are in a hospital bed, and a nurse is trying to wake me up. She says, "Hey. Hey. Pick up your panties." I'm so groggy I fall back to sleep. Here she comes again. "Hey. Hey. I said pick up your panties." I wake up enough to do what she says. Half asleep I look to my left and of all the women in the room I'm next to...the girl Amanda. She says, "Are you okay?" I whisper "yes". She says, "Don't come back here ok?" I said, "Ok." My friends pick me up. I looked out the back window of my car the entire way home, and spent the rest of the day recovering at my friend's house. 

I felt like the whole world was looking at me, and they all knew what I had done. I felt so relived that no one would ever have to know. I could go on with life as normal. That lasted for a little while. Then guilt set in. I felt like anyone who committed any sin could be forgiven... but not me. God could never forgive me. How sad is that? I grow up in church my entire life and yet don't realize that God forgives no matter what we do. I lived like that for 5 years. I couldn't raise my hands in church. I couldn't make a solid commitment to Christ. I felt bound. I was allowing myself to be weighed down with all my baggage. I was filthy. I wallowed around in my own garbage and was unnecessarily holding onto it. 

God has blessed her with three beautiful children

One day at church I looked at the bulletin and there was a Bible study for post abortion women. That was me! I called ASAP! That's where I studied the character of Christ. My eyes were opened to the fullness of God. That he WANTED my baggage and filth. He WANTED to forgive me. I just had to allow him to forgive me. And I did. Do I still think of my sad decision? EVERY. DAY. But I know I'm forgiven. Not only do I know I'm forgiven, but I have an understanding of the fullness and depth of my father's love and mercy. So if you see me crying, hands held high, this story is probably why. Ashes for Beauty. That sin was my ashes, and he gave me beauty in return. There's nothing Christ won't forgive you for. He's the ultimate father. His love and forgiveness go beyond anything we could ever understand.

Beth and her husband

 "I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is."

Ephesians 3:16, 18 

  

"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory." Isaiah 61:3 

"Once again you will have compassion on us. You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!"
Micah 7:19 

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1John 1:9

"When we were overwhelmed by sins, you forgave our transgressions."
Psalms 65:3 

I Chose to Bloom.

 

I love this quote. If I had to choose some eloquent verbiage to describe the last year of my life, I would choose this quote. It is one of those quotes that gets you thinking about life and all that it entails. It's been stuck in my head for the last 2 weeks.

Immediately after reading this, I saw right away how this metaphor applies to us as people and what it takes for us to mature and blossom into all that God wants us to be. Just like the flower bud, we need the same conditions: water, sunlight, and soil. 

Water: Water is our source of life. Without water, we will die. It's plain and simple. In the Bible, the Lord is referred to as living water. It is Him who keeps our spirit alive. It is drinking from Him that will give us everlasting life. Without Him, our spirits are headed towards death.

"Lord, you are the hope of Israel; all who forsake you will be put to shame. Those who turn away from you will be written in the dust because they have forsaken the Lord, the spring of living water." Jeremiah 17:3

 

Sunlight: A flower bud needs heat in order to mature into a flower. You must be willing to let down your protective scales and allow God's refining fire to burn away impurities. We must consecrate ourselves and be holy, because He is holy!

"How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!" Hebrews 9:14

 

Soil: In order for that bud to bloom and stand strong, it needs to be planted deeply in rich soil. It relies on the soil for vital nutrients. We have to be deeply rooted in God's love and Word.

 

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. " Ephesians 3:14-19

We know what it takes to bloom. Yet many of us, me included until recently, remain "tight in a bud." It's a painful place to be. Very painful. It's a place of feeling bound up. We feel trapped. We feel like we can't breathe. We feel confined. We feel like we're not living up to our potential. Ever been there?

So why do we stay in that place? I can only speak for me. For me, the pain was comfortable. It was what I knew. It was my normal. It provided a false sense of safety. The unknown seemed like a greater risk especially since the element of faith wants me to take that risk without seeing what will come. 

Last May, I was in a place where my budding petals were falling off, and I was withering. I had lost control of my emotions. I had no peace whatsoever. I couldn't manipulate my circumstances to how I needed them in order for me to thrive. If I didn't do something, and soon, I was going to die. At least that is what it felt like. I was desperate for change.

Let me just say boldly, everyone in their life time will have to make a decision. You either die, or choose to blossom by choosing to hand yourself over to God. Last May, I made the biggest decision of my life. I chose to bloom. While that risk seemed big, the pain was too much.

(Pssst...Before I go on, let me just say for the record... I have grown up in church. I accepted Christ as my savior at a young age. My dad was my pastor. Years in church does not equate with blooming. You can still attend church and NEVER bloom and conversely can wither.)

God's Word says in Luke 9:24, "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it." Boy, this scripture scared me before. It's one of those scriptures that I pondered while in that tight bud. I mean who really wants to give their life away? I'm talking all your life. 

TO FULLY BLOSSOM, YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO GIVE IT ALL AWAY.

You have to be willing to drink of Him. What have you been drinking instead? What has been filling your insides? Are you listening to the wrong advice? Are you filling your eyes and ears with the wrong thing? You have to be willing to spend REAL time listening for His voice. You have to be willing to read His word to see what He has to say to you. You have to be willing to make Him Lord over all areas of your life. You may say yes..but are you really? Do you ask Him how to spend your paycheck? Do you ask Him if the words coming out of your mouth are pleasing to Him? Do you work at your job as until Him? Do you seek His approval in your relationships? The list goes on and on.  

 

You have to be willing for God to uproot you from the rocky soil you're in. That could be removing you from your social circle. It could be placing you in a church where you can be cared for. It could be a toxic relationship you're in. You have to be willing. You have to say, "Yes Lord. Let your will be done. Lead me down the path you need me to be on."

You have to be willing for His refining fire to burn away all impurities. You have to be willing to take down your defenses and say, "Here I am. All my blemishes are here for you to see. Heal me. Mold me." This is extremely difficult. I'm not going to lie. It's easy to look outwards and blame everything on everyone else. But to take a look inward is a must for maturing into that beautiful flower. 

I wrote this because I know there is someone out there reading this that was in the same condition as me last May. You are on the verge of withering and dying. Whoever that may be, please be brave. Take a risk in God. I am here after taking that risk. I am living proof that if you lose your life for Him, you will save it. I have made a heavenly exchange; My life for His. Not only did I receive Him fully, I got my life back, and I live to tell the story! :) I have never been more free. I am not yet the flower God wants me to be, but I have sprouted. I am not longer tightly confined. I can breathe. I can sleep. I can smile. I can laugh. I can freely stand before God without shame and guilt. I can walk with confidence. His aroma can now be detected on me. It's a great place to be. 

If you have made that decision already and want to ensure that you fully blossom exactly how God desires you to be, I encourage you to listen to my pastor's message on it. It's a powerful one that will encourage you to bloom further! It's perfectly named "Growing Up" and you can find it here:

http://livinghopecc.us/podcast/2013/2013.01.27.sun%20-%20Growing%20Up%20-%20br.mp3 

Here is a song to encourage you:

I Give Myself Away