My Hidden Shame.

This is my very first guest blog....and boy is it a great one. I have known Beth since she was 3 years old, and I was 9 riding her around a Bible school campus in Southern California. Her parents were in Bible school, and my dad was campus pastor. Many years have passed, and she has grown into a wonderful woman. This post touched my life. This is the first time she is publicly sharing her story. She is more brave and courageous than I could ever be for doing so.  May her story draw you closer to our loving Heavenly Father. May her story bring healing to the other Beth's and Amanda's reading this. Be blessed.

-Steph

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I wanted to share a testimony of something in my life. I want to be as transparent and honest as possible.

I'd like to start by talking about my favorite person from the Bible... David. I love David because while he knew and loved God, he made some very bad choices. He sinned just like you and me. He had someone killed to try and hide his sin.  I can relate to him because of that. You'll understand why in just a moment.

Growing up life was as perfect as any kid could want. Not only did we have everything we needed, but also everything we wanted. My parents were loving, kind, caring, and affectionate. However, as I got older, about 15 or 16, I started to walk away from God. Nothing major...Just distanced myself from God. When I turned 18, I was gonna do what I wanted regardless of how I was raised.
Because I chose to distance myself and harden my heart toward God, I created a void in my heart and then tried to fill it with junk. I've never done drugs. I was never a drinker, but attention from guys temporarily filled that void. I could say I was just being independent; That it was just sex and it meant nothing, but in my heart I wanted to feel loved, wanted, like someone thought I was beautiful. While I was out doing whatever I wanted (make my declaration of independence), I was accumulating and collecting baggage. It didn't matter how much my parents loved me or what they taught me. I was going do what I wanted to do.

When I was 18, my friends and I went to the Kern County Fair where I met a really nice guy. We were friends for five months. Well one day, February 15, 2002, we hung out and ended up having sex. ONE TIME. One time only. We still talked sometimes. Well as the next few weeks passed... I know this may sound crazy, but I would go to Barnes and Nobles. I was automatically drawn to the baby books. It was like a magnetic feeling. I was just overwhelmed to do this. I'd look at all the baby names and even write some down.

Now, after looking back, I had a class at a local junior college that was upstairs, and I'd get super tired after going up the steps. I thought nothing of these things. Well one day after school,I had that overwhelming feeling again. This time it was to stop at a drug store and get a pregnancy test. Not because I thought it would say positive, but just to satisfy this crazy feeling. NEVER did I think it would say pregnant.

I couldn't wait until I got home, so I stopped at a Jack in the Box. I took the test out of the box, threw the box in the trash outside because in my head it was gonna say negative. One line meant not pregnant and two lines meant positive. So I take the test and slowly two lines appear. OMG! I go frantic outside into that trash to get the box to see if I misread it because I had to be wrong. Nope. I'm pregnant.

Beth on Easter Sunday

WTH am I going to do? My parents are going to kill me. How am I going to explain that not only am I pregnant, but I slept with someone I didn't even love? What was my family going to think? What were their friends going to say? There was no way I was gonna have a baby. I had to have an abortion. I HAD TO HIDE MY SIN. I immediately called my best friend. She said, "Oh my god! Why did you take that test alone? I'm calling the clinic so you can take a proper test." I went to the clinic, and they confirm it. I get together with my three best friends (who are still my best friends today). One says have the abortion. One says do what you want. The other says no don't do it.

The very next day I went to my friends house, sat at her bar, and called the abortion clinic. They said they couldn't see me for another week. They make my appointment for the day after Easter, April 1st. I wasn't happy about waiting that long because I had plans to go to spring break, and because every day that went by I knew the baby inside me was growing. I convinced myself that the sooner I had this done, the less of a person it was and it didn't matter. So I went to spring break and had a miserable time. Sick as heck. The end of spring break meant the day was getting closer. I go to church Easter Sunday with nothing on my mind but what the next day held.

Monday morning comes. I get up early to get dressed. I wanna look as cute as possible, so that when it's all over no one will notice anything different about me. So no one can tell what I've done. I do my hair really cute and dress cute. I pick up two of my friends, and we head out. I sign in at the clinic. As I sat waiting, I saw another girl drive up with her boyfriend. She was a Mexican girl. Crunchy, orangish, blondish hair. I later found out her name was Amanda.

Before the abortion, you get called into several different rooms. The first room is an office. There's a lady at a desk, and she asks if your having the abortion out of your own free will. She also takes your payment. $350 is the value I placed on my own child. A living, growing person, who was in the safest place in the world. Next I had an ultrasound. The lady was so nice. The screen was faced away from me. The lady looks at me and sweetly says "You're about 7 1/2 weeks." She said it as if I was keeping it. Next I changed into a gown. I remember thinking, "This is it." Then you go into a tiny dim waiting room. I sat there with several other women all of us in our gowns. One of the girls was Amanda. I was nervous and made small talk. I asked, "Is this your first time here?" She said, "No. This is my third." I said, "Oh this is my first time here." 

Finally I get called into the room. It's the same kinda room we all go into to see a doctor. A nice lady preps my IV and walks out. As I'm staring at the ceiling, my eyes filled up with tears, and I'm thinking, "I need to go home and talk to my mom" but...I don't. You see at this point in my life I was so far from Christ that I could still hear his voice in the distance, but I was too deep in my own sin. So blinded by the lies of the enemy. "No one ever has to know!" "You cant take care of a kid!" "Imagine how your parents will feel!" "It has no feeling any way". Those were the lies I believed.

The nurse came back with the doctor,and my tears are now spilling into my ears. The doctor says it's okay, and I fall asleep. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in a big room, in a big line of women. All of us are in a hospital bed, and a nurse is trying to wake me up. She says, "Hey. Hey. Pick up your panties." I'm so groggy I fall back to sleep. Here she comes again. "Hey. Hey. I said pick up your panties." I wake up enough to do what she says. Half asleep I look to my left and of all the women in the room I'm next to...the girl Amanda. She says, "Are you okay?" I whisper "yes". She says, "Don't come back here ok?" I said, "Ok." My friends pick me up. I looked out the back window of my car the entire way home, and spent the rest of the day recovering at my friend's house. 

I felt like the whole world was looking at me, and they all knew what I had done. I felt so relived that no one would ever have to know. I could go on with life as normal. That lasted for a little while. Then guilt set in. I felt like anyone who committed any sin could be forgiven... but not me. God could never forgive me. How sad is that? I grow up in church my entire life and yet don't realize that God forgives no matter what we do. I lived like that for 5 years. I couldn't raise my hands in church. I couldn't make a solid commitment to Christ. I felt bound. I was allowing myself to be weighed down with all my baggage. I was filthy. I wallowed around in my own garbage and was unnecessarily holding onto it. 

God has blessed her with three beautiful children

One day at church I looked at the bulletin and there was a Bible study for post abortion women. That was me! I called ASAP! That's where I studied the character of Christ. My eyes were opened to the fullness of God. That he WANTED my baggage and filth. He WANTED to forgive me. I just had to allow him to forgive me. And I did. Do I still think of my sad decision? EVERY. DAY. But I know I'm forgiven. Not only do I know I'm forgiven, but I have an understanding of the fullness and depth of my father's love and mercy. So if you see me crying, hands held high, this story is probably why. Ashes for Beauty. That sin was my ashes, and he gave me beauty in return. There's nothing Christ won't forgive you for. He's the ultimate father. His love and forgiveness go beyond anything we could ever understand.

Beth and her husband

 "I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is."

Ephesians 3:16, 18 

  

"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory." Isaiah 61:3 

"Once again you will have compassion on us. You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!"
Micah 7:19 

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1John 1:9

"When we were overwhelmed by sins, you forgave our transgressions."
Psalms 65:3 

I Chose to Bloom.

 

I love this quote. If I had to choose some eloquent verbiage to describe the last year of my life, I would choose this quote. It is one of those quotes that gets you thinking about life and all that it entails. It's been stuck in my head for the last 2 weeks.

Immediately after reading this, I saw right away how this metaphor applies to us as people and what it takes for us to mature and blossom into all that God wants us to be. Just like the flower bud, we need the same conditions: water, sunlight, and soil. 

Water: Water is our source of life. Without water, we will die. It's plain and simple. In the Bible, the Lord is referred to as living water. It is Him who keeps our spirit alive. It is drinking from Him that will give us everlasting life. Without Him, our spirits are headed towards death.

"Lord, you are the hope of Israel; all who forsake you will be put to shame. Those who turn away from you will be written in the dust because they have forsaken the Lord, the spring of living water." Jeremiah 17:3

 

Sunlight: A flower bud needs heat in order to mature into a flower. You must be willing to let down your protective scales and allow God's refining fire to burn away impurities. We must consecrate ourselves and be holy, because He is holy!

"How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!" Hebrews 9:14

 

Soil: In order for that bud to bloom and stand strong, it needs to be planted deeply in rich soil. It relies on the soil for vital nutrients. We have to be deeply rooted in God's love and Word.

 

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. " Ephesians 3:14-19

We know what it takes to bloom. Yet many of us, me included until recently, remain "tight in a bud." It's a painful place to be. Very painful. It's a place of feeling bound up. We feel trapped. We feel like we can't breathe. We feel confined. We feel like we're not living up to our potential. Ever been there?

So why do we stay in that place? I can only speak for me. For me, the pain was comfortable. It was what I knew. It was my normal. It provided a false sense of safety. The unknown seemed like a greater risk especially since the element of faith wants me to take that risk without seeing what will come. 

Last May, I was in a place where my budding petals were falling off, and I was withering. I had lost control of my emotions. I had no peace whatsoever. I couldn't manipulate my circumstances to how I needed them in order for me to thrive. If I didn't do something, and soon, I was going to die. At least that is what it felt like. I was desperate for change.

Let me just say boldly, everyone in their life time will have to make a decision. You either die, or choose to blossom by choosing to hand yourself over to God. Last May, I made the biggest decision of my life. I chose to bloom. While that risk seemed big, the pain was too much.

(Pssst...Before I go on, let me just say for the record... I have grown up in church. I accepted Christ as my savior at a young age. My dad was my pastor. Years in church does not equate with blooming. You can still attend church and NEVER bloom and conversely can wither.)

God's Word says in Luke 9:24, "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it." Boy, this scripture scared me before. It's one of those scriptures that I pondered while in that tight bud. I mean who really wants to give their life away? I'm talking all your life. 

TO FULLY BLOSSOM, YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO GIVE IT ALL AWAY.

You have to be willing to drink of Him. What have you been drinking instead? What has been filling your insides? Are you listening to the wrong advice? Are you filling your eyes and ears with the wrong thing? You have to be willing to spend REAL time listening for His voice. You have to be willing to read His word to see what He has to say to you. You have to be willing to make Him Lord over all areas of your life. You may say yes..but are you really? Do you ask Him how to spend your paycheck? Do you ask Him if the words coming out of your mouth are pleasing to Him? Do you work at your job as until Him? Do you seek His approval in your relationships? The list goes on and on.  

 

You have to be willing for God to uproot you from the rocky soil you're in. That could be removing you from your social circle. It could be placing you in a church where you can be cared for. It could be a toxic relationship you're in. You have to be willing. You have to say, "Yes Lord. Let your will be done. Lead me down the path you need me to be on."

You have to be willing for His refining fire to burn away all impurities. You have to be willing to take down your defenses and say, "Here I am. All my blemishes are here for you to see. Heal me. Mold me." This is extremely difficult. I'm not going to lie. It's easy to look outwards and blame everything on everyone else. But to take a look inward is a must for maturing into that beautiful flower. 

I wrote this because I know there is someone out there reading this that was in the same condition as me last May. You are on the verge of withering and dying. Whoever that may be, please be brave. Take a risk in God. I am here after taking that risk. I am living proof that if you lose your life for Him, you will save it. I have made a heavenly exchange; My life for His. Not only did I receive Him fully, I got my life back, and I live to tell the story! :) I have never been more free. I am not yet the flower God wants me to be, but I have sprouted. I am not longer tightly confined. I can breathe. I can sleep. I can smile. I can laugh. I can freely stand before God without shame and guilt. I can walk with confidence. His aroma can now be detected on me. It's a great place to be. 

If you have made that decision already and want to ensure that you fully blossom exactly how God desires you to be, I encourage you to listen to my pastor's message on it. It's a powerful one that will encourage you to bloom further! It's perfectly named "Growing Up" and you can find it here:

http://livinghopecc.us/podcast/2013/2013.01.27.sun%20-%20Growing%20Up%20-%20br.mp3 

Here is a song to encourage you:

I Give Myself Away

 

  

Facetime with Jesus

Jesus and I have a pretty sweet relationship. And when I say sweet...I mean in a cheesy, mushy kind of relationship. We have the ultimate husband and bride relationship. But I'll talk more about that on a future post! :) I said this because in our morning time together today, He said He misses us. I found this statement rather odd seeing that He is with us at all time. It was later after much thinking that He showed me what He meant. He used my brother Tim and his wife Toni as an example. 

If you don't know, my brother Tim is in the Navy and currently deployed to Afghanistan. He and his wife Toni have been married for almost 25 years. The last 25 years they have spent life together. They've experienced joy together. They've experienced sadness together. They've experienced late night pillow talk. They've experienced the ups and downs. The list goes on and on... That many years of closeness make separation difficult. 

Tim will be gone almost a years time. During this time, he and Toni are able to still communicate although time and distance separates them. Thanks to Apple, they can use Facetime to video message. Unlike the past where soldiers would go without hearing for weeks or months, they can now see each other face to face. They can interact and communicate via the internet. Despite having this contact, I'm sure they can both agree that it comes nowhere close to physically being in each others presence. 

Jesus, although fully God, was also fully human. Being fully human, He also experienced the power of human touch and what it does to the human spirit. He lived on this earth for 33 years. He had parents whom He hugged and kissed. He had close friends that he told secrets to before He let the public know. He washed their feet. He had late night talks around the fire. He traveled with them. He had his beloveds. Then His time was up and returned to Heaven. Although Jesus is patient, I know now that He can't wait until He can be back in contact with all of us. 

Just like my brother and his wife, Facetime temporary satisfies them considering the circumstances. Jesus also desires "face time" with each and every one of us until His return. Yet, many of us are so busy that we cannot make the time. Imagine my brother dialing in from Afghanistan and my sister-in-law never answering his call. He misses home and longs to hear and see her. She says she loves him, yet she can never make time to answer. She can't wait for him to get home, but is not willing to communicate with him in the meantime. You see where I'm heading?

So many of us act in the same way. God desires to see us. He desires to hear our voice. He anticipates the time that we can spend together. He wants to hear how our day went. He wants to share in our joys, sorrows, and moments of anger. He desires true relationship with us. He desires the intimacy with us. If you call yourself a follower of Christ, God desires His Facetime!

And yes, He can't wait to see you face to face too. My brother did a previous tour in Kuwait. I had the honor of being part of the welcoming committee. We had flags and waited with anticipation as he descended down the escalator at the airport. When he did fully, there was a flood of emotions as he ran to his wife and kids. People in the airport saw what was happening (since he was in uniform) and began applauding. I also believe our face to face reunion will be the same. The angels will rejoice, and Jesus will run to embrace us. There will be tears of joy. 

I know this analogy may be silly, but I find that Jesus often tells me things in parables that I can relate to! :)I pray that my sharing this helps you to see your daily time with Him in a different light. I encourage you today to make the time to Facetime with Jesus. Spent that quality time having heavenly exchanges with Him until you can be reunited with him face to face. Dial Him, gaze at His face, and talk. It's just that simple.

Alone. That dreaded word.

Ahhh yes. The word alone. It is a word that a single person has dwelled upon at least once in their singleness. If you claim you haven't, you are a liar. I'm just sayin! I know I have. With my marriage ending last year, God has been working on me regarding this subject. Before I get to that, let's look at this word more closely.

Merriam Webster's defines alone as being separated from others. It defines lonely as being cut off from others; lacking company. I'm sure there is at least one person reading this right this very minute can relate to these definitions. If you can, your thoughts may sound something like this:

"Will I ever find a husband?"
"My friends never look me up!"
"My kids are out doing their thing, and I'm stuck at home."
"I have no life."
"I wish someone knew what I was going through right now."
"Does anybody even care or think about me?"
"Everyone is out living their life, and I'm by myself."


Without even knowing your situation, I know the feelings that swarm your thoughts. You feel anxiousness, gloom, sadness, fear that you'll remain this way... the list goes on and on. The danger in these feelings is that they will lead you straight into a path of depression where all you can see is lack in your life. And the crazy thing is that we get all worked up based on a fact of life that is simply untrue. I was heading down that path until I had an awakening.

Let me explain. You see, I profess Jesus Christ as my savior and Lord. I am a daughter of the Heavenly Father. If you also profess the same, the word "alone" needs to be wiped away from your language completely. The word alone is one that is from the devil's vocabulary. It's a word he uses often. He whispers it into our ear, we hear it, dwell on it, and allow it to sink into our soul. Our soul is where our mind, will, and emotions live. When the word alone makes its home in our soul, it's bad news. 

If you don't believe me about it being the devil's word only, try to find any scripture to back you up. I dare you. In fact, I can find scripture to back me up quicker than you will ever find your evidence. You see, the Word of the Lord declares that we are NEVER cut off.  Allow me to show you...

• "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6
• "No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you." Joshua 1:5
• "Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:39

You see, the devil would like nothing more for you to think that you have been "cut off" from things, people, and blessings in your life to leave you in isolation. But God is telling you right now otherwise. He is ALWAYS with you. Do you believe that? Do you really? Be honest with yourself.

If not, I have been there. Trust me. I've had many lonely days. However, God does not desire for you to stay in this condition. He wants to give you a heavenly exchange. He wants to remove that word from you and replace it with his love. He wants to you to feel His wholeness. That means you will no longer feel like you are lacking in any way, certainly not lacking in company.  

So how does this happen? Be honest with God about how you are feeling. If you have to tell him while bawling your eyes out, DO IT! If you have to yell it at him, DO IT! I dare you. Dare Him to make His presence known to you. God will not be mad at you. He desires intimacy with Him. Intimacy requires honesty. It's in those moments that he removes the source of your loneliness. If we look in the Bible, there are plenty of examples of this.

• "I sought the Lord, and he answered me. He delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4
• "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hands." Psalm 138:8
• "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:17-18

God is with you. He hears you. He wants to heal you. He wants to calm your fears. He wants to remove all the hurt that is causing you to feel alone. And when he does, my sister, He will fill that loneliness with joy. Once He does this, look out! I really mean that! Look out! You will feel like a new woman. 

Disclaimer: Yes you will feel like a new woman, but the devil is sitting by just looking for an opportunity to come and whisper again. There will be always be enmity between women and the devil. Enmity is "an active, and typically mutual hatred or ill will." The book of Genesis speaks to this. So he will not give up. This is why all that free time you had saying, "Whoa is me!" needs to be filled with God. Either you need to spend that time in God's presence in prayer and worship, Bible reading, or doing something for God like attending a church group or volunteering somewhere. Idle time is the perfect breeding ground for the devil's whispering.

Lastly, I want to speak to those of you reading that do not know Jesus as your savior. If this subject has spoken to you, and you desire to know what it feels to have joy and experience his wholeness, it's simple. Talk to Him. Ask Him to forgive you for all your destructive thoughts and actions (sins), and ask Him to enter your life. He's waiting for you. Do it now!

Be encouraged my sisters. You're never alone. He is with you even now as you read this. Do you feel Him? :) 

If she only knew who she was

After a grueling day, I met up with my parents for dinner. Nothing better than Mexican mole to make the day all better! Before leaving the restaurant , I excused myself to use the little girl's room. While in the stall (you can keep reading.. no TMI moments coming), I heard a commotion in the restroom. Two ladies were at the sink; One was crying and the other was trying to talk some sense to her. Of course I took the opportunity to listen in. Well... I really didn't have any other options at this point. The conversation sounded something like this:

Girl One: **crying**

Girl Two: Mija, you need to be happy his @#$ is out of your life. You deserve better than that!

Girl One: I know **whimper** 

Girl Two: Seriously! You don't want anyone that you can be yourself around; someone that won't accept you for who you are!

Girl One: I know, but it's hard!

As I was listening in, I had a smile on my face. Not because I found this situation humorous in any way, but because it was as if I was listening in on a conversation between my sister and I about 8 months ago. I was on the outside looking in on my past. In that moment, I felt her pain. I felt the rejection, the doubt, the insecurity, and the anger.

I walked out of the stall and was heading to wash my hands! They were blocking the one sink, so I just stood there. The conversation continued for a few seconds. It paused for a few seconds only for Girl Two to look at me and ask me, "Right?" as  if she needed some extra back up. I jumped in and said enthusiastically, "Yes! You have to love yourself first mama!" Girl Two then high-fived me (gross, I know). I washed my hands and left.

It's only tonight that God brought to mind Abby. That's Girl One's name. My heart was saddened. I wish now in hindsight that I could go back to this afternoon's situation and say more. I wish I could have spoken life into her. I wish I could've told her who she was. You see... in Psalms 139:14 the Bible says, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." This verse is a popular one, yet I don't think we truly believe it. I know I didn't until recently. 

I lived a life where I apologized for who I was. I'm not talking about the things that God wants us to fine tune either.  I literally would say I'm sorry when I cried. I would apologize for standing up for myself.  I would apologize for my appearance. I reserved apologies for people that were only meant to be directed toward God in my prayers. I was extremely co-dependent. How everyone saw me was how I determined what to think of myself. I'd stay in relationships where I thought if I could only get better, then the relationship would be better! If the other person rejected me, I'd question what was wrong with me. I know in my heart that Abby believes this, too. I believe many, many others believe that too. They are ashamed or apologize for their talents, dreams, goals, desires, tears. You get it.

It angers me now that the devil has gotten so good at convincing us (especially woman) that how God created us is wrong or faulty. How wounded are we that we apologize for something that God declared is good? It hurts me to see my sisters try to change themselves into something that they were not created to be in order to please someone else. This goes for all relationships, not just romantic ones.

I wish I could tell Abby this...

• She was fearfully and wonderfully made. 
• She is a wonderful work made in the image of the Creator. 
• She is loved by God more than she can fathom, and that is where her security lies.
• Her beauty resides in that beautiful spirit of hers. 
• She needs to be a relationship with someone who sees her as God sees her. 
• I wish I could tell her to be brave, and she will be ok. 
• I wish I could point her head and heart upwards to God, so that she could bestow His beauty and see hers in return. Then and only then would man's rejection not be so hard knowing that our Heavenly Father accepts us just as we are. Flaws and all. 

So since I can't tell Abby, I'll tell you. I'm sure there is an Abby out there reading this. If you are, I dare you to be brave. Be brave enough to ask God to prove it. Prove that He made you fearfully and wonderfully.  Dare Him to show you how much He loves you. Dare Him to show you just how beautiful you are to Him. Keep daring Him until He does it. Oh and He will! Just you wait! He'll give you a Heavenly exchange. He'll exchange your troubled thoughts for His pure ones. And when He does it, you will run away from anyone that doesn't see you as the masterpiece that you are. I didn't think I could do it, but I did. My life has changed, and so can yours. Be Brave, you'll be ok.